The supernatural being God, best known for his work creating everything except for himself and for his frequent involvement in the minutiae of human life, has said he is done helping humans for now. The reasoning behind this decision is that if the United States of America is the most powerful country in the world, and the Republicans are a powerful enough political party to control Congress and prevent the Supreme Court confirmation of a totally harmless, non-controversial judge, and the Republican party successfully got someone like Louie Gohmert elected to Congress more than once, then there may be no more hope for humanity. It’s either another flood or giving up, and floods are too much work with too much collateral damage, so giving up it is.
Gohmert has made a name for himself with outlandish statements which he apparently believes to be true, and the latest one may not have been the worst, but it was the last straw. “I couldn’t even listen to the whole thing,” God said, “But I heard something about homosexuality being unnatural because gay astronauts can’t reproduce in space, and after hearing that I am appalled at what has come to be. Like the young people say these days, I literally can’t even.”
“First of all,” he continued, “Gay people can reproduce when they really want to. Men who prefer the company of men have been fathering children for millennia, and perhaps longer. The process may be more difficult than usual, and may require feats of the imagination almost as powerful as whatever causes Mr. Gohmert to believe what he believes, but it can be done. Unlike me dealing with humanity right now.
“And what’s this about it being unnatural? Do preferences change from eating some sort of genetically modified gay grapes? Does a man-made pink motorcycle cause a man to start wanting to wear pink and watch Chippendale’s shows? Of course not. I think I might know a bit about how nature works, and some women are naturally attracted to women and some men are naturally attracted to men. Brain chemistry and hormone levels are different in different people, because if it was all the same, then humanity would be boring, which would be kind of terrible.
“Humanity, or at least the part of humanity which is responsible for Louie Gohmert being an important person, is kind of terrible, which is why I am giving up for the moment. However, my mind could change if humanity gets its act together a little bit, or if I go to a great heavenly barbecue this weekend which lifts my spirits to the point of forgiving those who haven’t earned it.”
This sounds like devastating news. Here’s hoping for a great barbecue in heaven, since if this testimony is to be believed then that is likely our only chance at not being forsaken anymore.