The Internet – According to veteran actor and frequent SNL host Christopher Walken, there is something which does not need any more cowbell, and that something is his life.
“Can we stop, with the cowbell already,” Walken said. “One time, I was eating a continental breakfast, and that’s, another sketch, you could talk, about instead, and this guy, he comes up to me, and he says, something, about cowbell. Right in my ear, he says it. Gave me a terrible, ringing, right in my left, ear. So I tell him, I’m going, to buy a cowbell, just so, the next time, someone talks, about one to me, I can shove it, up their rear end.”
In addition to the story about being irritated while eating breakfast, Walken had another story about cowbell-related irritation. “One time,” he said, “I was, really sick. I think, it was, a bad case, of influenza. So I, went, to the, doctor. And, as I sat there, the doctor, went to the music store, which was, a few, blocks away, and he came back, and he, hit the bell, a few times. Then he, asked me, if that, cured my fever. Of course, it didn’t cure my fever you, idiot. This is real, life. If you, want to cure, my fever, you should, give me a Tylenol, or something. Maybe, you can, put, a cold towel, on my head. But, the cowbell, just caused more suffering. I hate it, you know?”
It was difficult to respond, because of the challenge of processing a long story with so many unconventional pauses, so the interview was over. Our intern, who isn’t paid enough to listen to interview subjects speak, signified the end of the interview in the way which had become traditional here at TotesRealNews – two quick taps on a cowbell.
Fortunately for us at TotesRealNews, Christopher Walken seems to dislike the possibility of prison and lawsuits more than he dislikes cowbell. And, as we found out after several listens to the audio transcript, he really, really, really hates cowbell.
*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.