The Internet – Following a week-long recount, Smeagol Gollum (R-CA) has defeated Democratic rival Sam Gardner by 73 votes in a special election, and will be representing his adopted home state in Congress for at least another fourteen months.
Mr. Gollum had been assumed dead by most people who had heard of him, but clearly he is not dead because being alive is one of the requirements for joining the House of Representatives. What appears to be deadly lava within Mt. Doom is actually an interdimensional portal, so when Mr. Gollum seemed to be ravaged by fire he was really transported to a hole in the time-space continuum eight feet about the water and a half-mile off the coast of Southern California, where Mr. Gollum has made his home during recent decades.
Mr. Gollum has lived a quiet life during his time in California, so quiet that some would say he’s been nearly invisible, supporting himself through bare-handed fishing on the beaches. Despite his relatively low profile, Mr. Gollum has become somewhat of a local celebrity recently thanks to his fish-catching prowess and his unconventional appearance and mannerisms. And thanks to his popularity within the district, Mr. Gollum decided to run for Congress as a Republican.
Mr. Gollum ran on a mostly conservative platform, with his primary campaign slogan being “We hates taxes forever!” He campaigned as a small-government conservative, blasting government aid programs as wasteful and unnecessary. He claimed that if he was able to support himself for hundreds of years without any government handouts then everyone else should be able to do the same.
Mr. Gollum campaigned for a strong military, asserting that there are a lot of bad people out there, and they “Wants my birthday present. When they knows about it…yes, some of them already knows about it, and they will try to take the Precious, so the brave soldiers must be able to keep them far away because the Precious is mine! All mine!” Some conservative voters found this speech unnerving, but pro-military is pro-military so most of them said they would still vote for Mr. Gollum.
He also expressed support for gun rights, particularly his personal right to use a gun to protect himself in case someone tried to take his Precious on American soil. In addition, his campaign speeches often included the assertion that “Nassty womenses should not be allowed to kill babies in their bellies, oh no Precious we shan’t have that at all, because we needs those babies to fight in warses to protect the Precious.” This also bothered some conservative voters, but not as much as abortion does, so their votes likely remained unchanged.
Despite his mostly conservative views, Mr. Gollum showed support for environmental regulations, saying “We hates the smokesy air! It burns us! It burns! If we gets the smoke out of the air then we will be much happier, oh yes we will.” He also clashed with conservatives regarding the prison system, calling for mercy for murderers and other violent criminals while repeatedly avoiding questions about why he felt that way.
Despite relatively strong conservative bona fides, and living in a state where a pro-environment Republican could win over swing voters, Mr. Gollum faced an uphill battle in a district which had voted Democratic for more than ten consecutive Congressional elections. And yet he won, so Gollum is in Congress now.
According to many political experts from the internet, the reason why Mr. Gollum won was the weakness of Mr. Gardner’s campaign. The Democratic candidate did not focus his campaign on his own strengths, instead choosing to spend most of the campaign bashing Mr. Gollum. Sam Gardner called Mr. Gollum “a monster” and “probably not even human”, which led to the media labeling Mr. Gardner as a racist bigot. Mr. Gardner also was called ageist after he said anyone who claimed to be hundreds of years old shouldn’t be running for office, and was also accused of intolerance for questioning Mr. Gollum’s sanity. Thanks to these issues, as well as rumors of hiring illegal immigrants which weren’t proven false until after voting ended, many left-wing voters either stayed home or voted for Mr. Gollum.
In spite of Mr. Gardner’s flaws, the race remained close. Mr. Gollum’s lack of understanding of the major political issues, as well as his bizarre fixation with his birthday present, terrified a lot of people. But not enough people to keep him from being elected to Congress.