Golden Girls To Get Larger-Than-Life Reboot

Inspired by the success of Will & Grace and early positive results for the new Roseanne, NBC has ordered a re-tooled reboot of The Golden Girls called The Giant Girls.

The other reboots feature the same cast members, but this one will not. It cannot. Only one of the original principal actresses is potentially available to reprise her role, and she’s unlikely to be able to handle sitcom filming in addition to her prior commitments, so it will be a different cast. A bigger cast. Four actresses from very well-known families who are very, very big.

Not big in the entertainment world, just big.

Not fat, just big.

The biggest, and possibly most legendary of the Giant Girls actresses is Nessie Lake, who will be playing the role of Nessie MacDonald, a middle-aged lizard person trying to start a new life for herself after spending some time in jail due to accidentally eating her husband in a moment of drunken confusion. After getting out of prison, she has to search Craigslist for roommates, and understandably no humans are willing to live with her. The only ones who will take a chance on Nessie are the other Giant Girls.

One of the roommates is Samantha “Snows” Nylund, played by the brilliant Yeti White. Snows is one of the Abominable Snowpeople, but she has always been too bubbly and optimistic to get along with her family. So she came to America, married Mr. Nylund, had several children, and then her husband died suddenly for reasons unrelated to Samantha’s size, and since her children were all grown up she looked for a new place to live, struggling to earn the trust of potential roommates until she landed with Nessie.

Another roommate is Barbara “Branch” Devereaux, played by Sarah “Sass” Squatch. She is a woman with big feet and a bigger mouth whose sassiness squashed her marriage, prompting her to move from the forests of Oregon to the Big Apple and live with the other big girls.

Also living in the house is Ness MacDonald, played by Nessie’s actual mother Ness Lake. She moves in to try to make sure her daughter stays out of trouble, but ends up getting in a lot of trouble herself. This is partially because middle age for sea monsters spans hundreds of years, so despite being fifty years apart in age, Nessie and her mother look very similar, and some of the men who Nessie brings home end up more interested than the mother than the daughter. According to the sources being used to discuss this show, some of the promotional posters will feature the caption: “NESSIE’S MOM HAS GOT IT GOING ON.”

The plot of The Giant Girls will follow these four big women as they try to adjust to single life in an even bigger city, and also the struggles involved with monster-human relations, romantic or otherwise. This includes the challenge of not eating each other’s human acquaintances, which is emphasized in the theme song: “Thanks For Not Eating My Friends.”

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