All Mass Shooters to be Renamed Wayne LaPierre

Suit Business Man Business Man Male Person
Not Wayne LaPierre. Unless bananas have unknown deadly qualities.

 

Changing one’s name usually requires spending a lot of time and cutting through a lot of red tape, but thanks to a bill which raced through Congress this morning and was signed by a president who was too distracted to read it, anyone who attempts to commit mass murder will have their name changed immediately. Not quickly, not within a day or two, but immediately. And their name will always be changed to Wayne LaPierre.

The reason for this instant name change is that most plans to kill a lot of people are inspired, at least in part, by a desire to become well-known. These people, if they can even be called that, have written in diaries and manifestos about wanting to kill as many people as possible so their names can be in the news and maybe even the history books, whether they survive or not. But now, these monsters cannot get that satisfaction, and neither can their ghosts, because from now on the news will report their crimes as being committed by Wayne LaPierre.

Just omitting their names is not enough, so all images of a mass shooter, either accused or convicted, will be pixelated fully to eliminate all possibility of recognition. There is no good reason for people to want to see pictures and videos of these killers or attempted killers, so the images will be treated as obscene and censored accordingly. Same for any audio footage involving a newly-named Wayne LaPierre.

Those who have been named Wayne LaPierre will sometimes have a chance to get their old names back. If someone was wrongly accused, which theoretically could happen, this person can get their old name back and will not have to mention ever having been Wayne LaPierre. If someone bought guns and wrote a manifesto but never murdered anyone, this person will be referred to as Wayne LaPierre during any news coverage about the plot, but if they can prove themselves to be reformed and ready to be a decent human being, then they won’t have to be Wayne LaPierre anymore.

The “real” Wayne LaPierre, however, will be Wayne LaPierre for the rest of his life, since at this point there is no way he can prove he has become a decent human being.

This new law is not being reported by any of the mainstream media because they are afraid of the NRA, but as Huzzah News does not expect to be noticed by the NRA, we have no such fear and can report freely on this news, which is about as true as everything else on this site.

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Avocado Club: David Wolfe is Toast!

Appetite Avacado Avo Avocado Calories Cate
Not a picture of David Wolfe

 

 

The Avocado Club, which calls itself North America’s foremost association of avocado aficionados, has thoroughly denounced internet celebrity David Wolfe, calling him toast.

Avocado Club leadership has been opposed to toast for a significant amount of time, ever since avocado toast gained a reputation as a favorite food of urban millennials, the people who allegedly chose to spend their money on things like avocado toast rather than saving up their cash to eventually invest in purchasing a home. According to the Avocado Club, from that point on toast was something which makes avocados look bad. And since David Wolfe, who has been putting “Avocado” in his name for years, makes avocados look bad, David Wolfe has been declared toast and is now being asked to remove the fruit from his name.

Ronnie Avocado (not his birth name), president of the Avocado Club, had this to say on the matter:

David Wolfe? More like AvocadNO! Yeah, yeah, it’s a bad joke, but not as bad of a joke as all this nonsense this fake avocado keeps trying to shove down our throats when our throats should be getting more delicious avocados. Like, how is anybody supposed to appreciate the savory flavor of the greatest sandwich fruit ever made when they are dead? Because if they get bad flu because David Notvocado told them some lies about mercury so they skip the vaccine, that’s how you get dead people.

And when you get the stomach flu because you drank some raw water full of all-natural e-coli, how much appetite for avocados are you going to have? Most likely none, and that’s how much respect we have for David “Toast” Wolfe.

People worship his every word like he’s some sort of holy man, like he’s some sort of guacamole man, but really he’s more of a toilet bowly man. If you can see me and believe in the realness of my being, then believe this: If David Wolfe keeps calling himself what he is not, then the Avocado Club will be forced to take this turkey to court. Where we may o’ may not take all his money. Okay, yeah, that’s enough. I’ll stop now.

At press time, the Avocado Club was debating whether to try to get the avocado, lettuce and tomato sandwich renamed to avoid association with the alt-right.

Also, incidentally, there is no record of anyone ever seeing Ronnie Avocado, but according to words on the internet he is apparently a real person.

Festivus Miracle: Professor Huzzah Regains Posting Privileges

In a move resulting in immense sadness for Professor Huzzah’s multitudes of fans, the authority figures at the Professor’s current place of residence showed themselves to be horrible tyrants by temporarily forbidding the former educator from sharing his thoughts with the world. A hastily written post suggesting that one type of unwanted kiss on the cheek is not significantly worse than another was derided as “offensive” and “insensitive” and therefore considered grounds for suspension.

This suspension was not lifted until today.

HAZZUH TO THAT!

If you are ignorant and do not know the meaning of hazzuh, you should know it is huzzah spelled backwards and therefore as negative as huzzah is positive. This act of censorship caused much distress for someone who was already greatly inconvenienced, but due to the suspension this distress was impossible to express to the public for several excruciatingly long days.

The suspension was appealed on the grounds that offense was taken due to misunderstanding of the post, and the response to this was: “Oh, you’re misunderstood, are you? I bet next you’re going to tell us that you are not guilty.”

To tell the truth, which I generally do unless lying is more convenient or more fun, I am not guilty. I feel no guilt over what I have done, all of which was done in the pursuit of the worthy goal of obtaining massive power for myself. This would be good for everyone since I would be in charge of the United States of America rather than the lunatic who thinks that Nigerians who are able to afford to travel to the USA were not able to afford a home which is not a hut. Any regrets which I may have stem from my temporary failure at global conquest, not from any laws or moral rules which may have been broken during my efforts.

Also, even if my intent was to be disrespectful toward the rights of women, should that have been a shock? Should I be expected to be nice? I AM A BLOODY SUPERVILLAIN, NOT A SOCIAL WORKER, AND ANYONE WHO CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE DESERVES TO SUFFER AT THE MERCY OF ONE OF MY TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED DEVICES ONCE I AM ALLOWED TO USE ONE AGAIN! In case my shouted declaration wasn’t clear enough, I have also constructed a meme image demonstrating my feelings on sensitivity and similar complex emotions.

comic-2028303__345

 

According to the people whose job it is to keep an eye on my neighbors and me, I may be overly optimistic regarding my prospects for freedom, especially considering my predilection for professing villainous intent. This may be true, but in seemingly hopeless situations sometimes a bit of unfounded optimism is the only way to keep going.

Flat Earth Missionaries Almost Sail Off Edge

The Internet – A group of missionaries representing the Flat Earth Society nearly met its doom yesterday when heavy winds almost pushed their boat off the furthermost reaches of the West Pacific, but the Earth miraculously extended by at least a hundred miles in order to save this ship of truth-tellers.

The mission, which didn’t include famous flat-earthers Shaquille O’Neal and Kyrie Irving in case the ship went too far and the planetary borders didn’t move to save the missionaries, left the San Francisco Bay on May 7th for the Hawaiian island of Kauai.  The purpose of the mission was to warn the natives about the dangers of sailing west, in case they thought that those who sailed westward and hadn’t returned merely moved to another island instead of falling into outer space.

The missionaries could have chartered a plane thanks to celebrity funding, but they couldn’t make that choice due to fear. Because visibility can be limited in the cloudy skies, a plane moving 500 miles per hour could easily have gone from the West Pacific troposphere to the killer vacuum of outer space before the pilots had a chance to react. Therefore, they chose to sail a boat which traveled about 300 miles per day, which seemed like a safe option until the winds came.

When the winds came, the missionary ship had already passed Maui, Oahu, and Hawaii, and the shores of Kauai were in sight. Then heavy winds pushed the ship past its destination, past the private island of Niihau, and at least fifty miles past what should have been the edge of the world. But thanks to what must have been fast and drastic divine intervention, and definitely not due to the Earth not being flat, the ship survived the winds, paving the way for its passengers to complete their mission.

This mission is expected to be successful, as the residents of Kauai are certain to believe the Earth was expanded in order to allow the missionaries to live and preach, and the flat-earthers are not going to be mocked at all. Because everybody knows that everything which seems like overwhelming evidence of a round Earth is fake news.

Everybody Is Dead

The Internet – According to reliable sources, everybody in the world is now dead. This is because every cause of hysteria is totally justified, and these real and not-at-all-overblown dangers led to the deaths of seven billion humans, nearly all of whom believe they are still alive.

These totally trustworthy sources put the death toll from vaccinations at hundreds of millions in the United States alone. This seems like an unrealistically high number, but it makes sense when one considers that everyone who receives vaccinations gets autism and dies. From autism. This happens because despite the scientific community’s assertions to the contrary, autism is more dangerous than smallpox and polio and the measles combined. If it wasn’t, then sensible parents would never expose their children to deadly infectious diseases in order to avoid what a few celebrities claim increases the risk of autism.

Genetically modified foods have also claimed hundreds of millions of lives in the USA. Everyone who ate unnaturally large corn got appendix cancer and died. Those who had at least a milligram of high fructose corn syrup instantly developed diabetes and also died. If a genetically modified apple a day keeps the doctor away, it’s because doctors don’t treat the dead, but doctors might try to help the dead because the doctors are dead too.

Alcohol consumption has also killed hundreds of millions, and not just from alcohol poisoning. It also kills every person who has had one drink too many. This happens because everyone who drinks alcohol to the point of intoxication is an alcoholic, and the one extra drink invariably turns the drinker from a reasonable human being into someone who will steal a cop car and drive it down the wrong side of the highway. And driving a police car down the wrong side of the highway with compromised reflexes is at least as deadly as consuming the dreaded gluten, which is also responsible for hundreds of millions of deaths in the United States of America.

Cell phones and microwave ovens and other pieces of technology which utilize radiation have also killed everyone who used them. Mostly from cancer, but also from car crashes and getting bludgeoned on the head with an electronic device by a partner upset about time spent staring at a screen. If something happens at all then it happens all the time, so the latter example might be quite common and the other two causes of technology-related death are definitely frequent occurrences. Chances are reading this is killing you, especially if you are using a cell phone, but that may not make much of a difference because, according to the aforementioned reliable sources, you are dead already.

Not everyone can afford health care or technology or cars, but those who cannot are not safe either, as billions died from shame over not being able to afford those things. This is a worldwide phenomenon because everyone shares Western values, which is why it is so perplexing that some people get extremely upset over the USA’s cultural aggression.

Other common causes of death are laughing too much, making a serious statement which brings death to the buttocks and then throughout the whole body, telling bad jokes at a comedy club, and being murdered by one’s own clothing. People tend to make a much bigger deal over vaccinations than they do about the dangers of a killer wardrobe, but perhaps they shouldn’t, since the chances of dying from each are nearly identical.

Like there are some exceptions to Donald Trump making money from Russia and it still counts as the 45th President not having financial ties to Russia, there are some exceptions to everyone being dead and that doesn’t change the fact that everyone is dead. Keith Richards is still alive, and so is Chuck Norris because he roundhouse kicked the vaccine needle before it could give him deadly autism, but just about everyone else is dead. Statistically, adjusted for outliers, everyone is dead and there is nothing which will change that. All one can do is keep on dying and try not to be too dead to breathe.

Gordon Ramsay Named Apple CEO

The Internet — Inspired by recent statements made by the President of the United States suggesting TV ratings are the most important thing in the world, the Apple Corporation has fired Tim Cook as CEO and replaced him with celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay.

According to a statement put out by the Apple Board of Directors, Mr. Cook had not done anything actually wrong to merit his dismissal. His steady, competent leadership style kept the company successful, but he didn’t bring in the TV viewers. The audience for Apple product launches consisted almost exclusively of people already interested in buying Apple products, not people who tuned in to laugh and cry and shake their heads at Tim Cook’s zany antics, because Tim Cook doesn’t do zany antics. And therefore, the Board of Directors demanded a change.

The new CEO is a reality television star with no significant experience in the technology or mega-corporate leadership fields, but this is not seen as a problem because the US President is similarly unqualified and still gets great TV ratings. It also may have been an issue if Mr. Ramsay had to quit his other job, since he made a lot more money shouting at aspiring chefs and other unfortunate victims than he can expect in salary as a CEO, but this will not be necessary. Mr. Cook is expected to be rehired to do the actual running of the company, while Mr. Ramsay will speak at product launches and other important events on days off from filming Hell’s Kitchen and various other shows in which he has demonstrated the all-important ability to attract viewers.

As CEO, his schedule will not be as busy as might be assumed. This is because product placements in his shows, which will be guaranteed viral thanks to Apple’s digital marketing team, can double as product launches. One possible example would involve Mr. Ramsay berating a flawed kitchen employee, pointing to his new Apple Watch and shouting something along the lines of: “You know what time it is? It’s time for you to f***ing learn how to make a steak. If you do that then maybe you’d be able to get a bloody job and be able to buy this new watch available to the public tomorrow with a lot of great new features, which is something your steak doesn’t have unless you made it intentionally terrible so everyone would get out of the restaurant and wait on line overnight to get the watch before they run out. And I am running out of patience with you, and it’s not like I have a bloody charger to restore my patience like the Apple Watch Charger, which is available for less than a price of an actual good steak, can restore f***ing batteries.”

Except probably with more profanity.

Since the news has been written on the internet, Gordon Ramsay is definitely going to be the new Apple CEO, and this TotesReal announcement is not expected to cause Apple stock to plummet.

And absolutely nobody will be called a sellout for this. Words on the internet have decreed it, and thus it is true.

Sock Attack Leaves Woman Hospitalized

Socks, Clothing, Set, Accessories
They only look innocent

 

The Internet – A Manhattan resident is resting comfortably in a hospital after being viciously attacked by her own socks.

The 24-year-old woman, who is not named Ms. Harris but will be referred to as such in order to protect her from the curious masses, suffered numerous bruises, several abrasions, and a minor concussion after the bizarre attack caused her to lose balance and hit her head on a wooden dresser.

According to Ms. Harris, the recent work week had been especially stressful, as two of her co-workers went on vacation so she had to pick up some of the slack. She had hoped to feel better once the weekend began, but she was unable to let go of the frustration as she folded her socks on Sunday. And because all of Marie Kondo’s theories are totally accurate, the negative energy transferred from her body to her socks, thus enraging the clothing to the point of violence.

Ms. Harris’ roommate, who will be referred to by the fake name of Melanie Kahn, heard a scream from Ms. Harris’ room around 1:30 in the afternoon, so Ms. Kahn opened the door to find Ms. Harris in there alone, but not quite alone, because there were a bunch of socks in the room repeatedly smacking Ms. Harris in the face. Ms. Kahn tried to grab the renegade clothing, but was greeted with smacks to her own face, so she ran out of the room to call 9-1-1.

By the time Ms. Kahn could convince the dispatcher that she was not kidding or pranking them or totally out of her mind, Ms. Harris was slumped on the floor with a visibly bruised forehead. And the socks were still hitting Ms. Harris.

The hospital opted to keep Ms. Harris overnight to monitor her concussion symptoms, as well as to check for the possibility that she hallucinated the entire incident. All evidence points Ms. Harris not suffering from psychotic symptoms although it may take a few days to be sure, and her co-workers will need to pick up the slack for her in the meantime.

When asked about the incident, Ms. Harris said she learned never to fold laundry angry again, and if she ever finds herself unable to calm herself down then she will pay someone else to do it for her, because her frustrating job pays well enough for her to have that option. Additionally, all of the misbehaving clothing will be thrown out or burned.

Probably burned.