Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff: Making American Novels Great Again

Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff, a novelization of reality which has been published anonymously due to fear of Russian retaliation, is about to hit the shelves, and virtual shelves, of all retailers brave enough to have it. Therefore, it has rarely been seen so far, but Huzzah News has been able to obtain a copy for the sake of reviewing this work of semi-literature.

Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff imagines a world where the President of the United States is a shady businessman and reality TV star who says a lot of ridiculous things. This is not hard to imagine, as it is the truth, but in the world of the novel this president’s nonsensical statements have minimal impact on the political reality of the country, as demonstrated by this short passage from page 452:

The community college conundrum confounded the cantankerous charlatan, who contemplated calling community colleges “calamity centers” on CNN, and since the callous chump cannot question his choices, he confidently called community colleges “calamity centers” while chatting on CNN. Consequently, the correspondents chuckled at the curmudgeon’s quip, since a sound argument is far superior to a snappy sound byte.

Also, Congress rejected all attempts to de-fund community colleges out of hand, since community colleges are necessary and useful for those who need just a little bit more than a high school education, and also for those who need to prove themselves academically before attending a four-year college.  The ridiculous, reddish-orange rambler ranted and raved at his rejection, but this changed nothing because Donald Trump do not change stuff. He just say stuff.”

This is the only passage which will be included in the review, but the entire book is written in a similar style, with ample alliteration. If you are one of the few who is capable of getting tired of alliteration, then this book might bring you to your breaking point, but since most people love alliteration, the populace will probably be pleased with the prose.

The story, all 540 pages of it, takes the reader from the part where Donald Trump is recruited by Vladimir Putin to say stuff which will upset the American people and shake faith in the American political system, all the way to the point where Donald Trump is no longer able to say stuff as president due to fictional circumstances at the end of the story.

Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff is a challenging read, as it appears to have undergone no editing whatsoever except for a quick spellcheck, but it is the opinion of this reviewer that reading the book is a less challenging and more pleasurable experience, by far, than experiencing the actual Trump Presidency.

 

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Americans Not Overwhelmed by Recent News

Over the past few days, the reports in the mainstream news media have been a bit on the intense side, and citizens of other countries might have been unable to deal with all the madness, but not Americans.

Americans are fine.

No panic here whatsoever.

If confronted with the headlines on the homepage of CNN, people from other countries might take to the streets and start screaming at the top of their lungs that the apocalypse is obviously coming and they don’t want that to happen and then there would be a report of a massive drop in productivity due to running in the streets and screaming and that report would be buried at the bottom of the page under the rest of the madness and no one would even read it because they would be too busy screaming, but not Americans.

Americans are fine.

First Trump wanted to arm teachers, then he wanted to take away a bunch of guns but probably not from the teachers, and now he might have softened his stance on guns but wants to fight pretty much everyone on the trade front by enacting tariffs like it’s 1850, and this is okay with Americans. It’s just Trump being Trump. People were tired of politics as usual, and this is the opposite of that, so it’s fine.

Putin has a bomb now, too, apparently, and a more dangerous one than most bombs. This is according to actual reliable sources which can even be quoted and cited. But that’s fine. Americans are fine with that. It’s only a bomb, and these days it seems like everyone has a bomb. Israel has bombs. The United States has bombs. North Korea has bombs, and Americans are maybe a little less fine with that but still not panicking. Even the weather has bombs and it just set one off, which is also fine.

This bomb is the bomb cyclone, which is not pleasant, but Americans remain even-keeled. After a couple of months of unseasonable warmth, this is a small price to pay and everyone knows it so there are no complaints on this front.

None whatsoever.

Americans are fine.

There was also another school shooting this morning, and the Onion will probably trot out the same article it always does if it hasn’t already and no one will read it because they just saw the same article a couple of weeks ago, and except for the people who were directly affected by it Americans will hardly even think about it after the initial outrage, if they even have energy left for outrage after Parkland and the ensuing non-response by Congress.

Maybe Americans aren’t exactly fine, but they will manage. They will seem fine.

Americans will continue to seem fine until another reality-TV celebrity who is not also a politician makes a questionable decision, most likely fashion-related.

Americans can’t handle that. They literally can’t even. But otherwise, Americans are fine.

Report: Obama Hacked Trump’s Brain

Barack Obama, 2011, Thoughtful
What is he thinking about?Hacking Trump’s robot brain, perhaps?

 

According to a source which cannot be named, Barack Obama is currently under suspicion of hacking Donald Trump’s brain in order to make the current president want to take away America’s guns.

Doubters of the world’s greatest news organization might find this preposterous, since many believe Donald Trump does not have a brain and a brain which does not exist cannot be hacked, but these naysayers are incorrect. Donald Trump does have a brain, and according to the aforementioned anonymous source it is a robot brain.

Mr. Trump allegedly was not always prone to dreaming of electric sheep, but this changed around fifty years ago when he briefly died of bone spurs. People, cruel people, mock this condition as a cop-out for cowards to avoid armed service, but it is an extremely serious ailment when someone has bone spurs in the way Donald Trump had bone spurs. The unnamed informant claims Mr. Trump’s bone spurs were the same shape and sharpness as the metal spurs used for riding horses, and while it took years for one of these spurs to fully penetrate one of his metatarsals, the same day that it did was a day when Donald Trump decided to hang upside down to prove that he could, causing the spur to fly through his leg bones, exit through his pelvis, fly through his rib cage, and land in his heart.

What happened next, according to the anonymous informant, was kept secret for years because the public was unlikely to be able to handle it. The public was not supposed to know how advanced robotics was, and it was not supposed to know that if a family was wealthy enough it could buy new mechanical organs to replace the human ones. But, according to words on the internet, it happened and Donald Trump was fitted with a mechanical heart which can handle a specific finite number of beats before expiring, and a robotic brain which was designed to be as much like Donald Trump’s original brain as possible so the body wouldn’t classify it as a foreign object and therefore refuse to tolerate it.

Although the procedure appeared to be a resounding success at first, the program was discontinued when observers could see what became of their test subject, but they still allowed him to continue existing. His robot heart keeps beating, using a self-cleaning mechanism to protect the body from one of the deadliest dangers associated with frequent fast food consumption. And his robot brain keeps doing what it does, being less capable of empathy than his previous brain was, but much more prone to being hacked.

Because of the vulnerability of computerized brains, Obama was able to hack into it, with the help of the FBI and George Soros and the Illuminazi Party, in order to change Mr. Trump’s stance on gun control and possibly take away America’s guns.

Either that, or the story about Trump being a robot is a bunch of nonsense and the gun lobby is so far out of control that even Donald Trump sees the need to rein them in at least a little bit.

Medicaid to be Replaced with “Doc Box”

DOCBOX
Who needs a doctor when you can have this box?

 

In another cost-cutting procedure needed to pay for military parades or a wall or something super-important like that, the Trump Administration recently announced that low-income individuals and their families will no longer receive Medicaid benefits, instead receiving monthly “Doc Boxes” to help them with their medical needs.

These boxes will contain the following items in addition to ample packaging material:

—A thermometer. This is a simple way to tell whether you or your child needs to take a cold bath, assuming you live in a home with running water, or take an over-the counter fever reducer. The thermometer has been previously used and batteries are not fully charged, but you will get a new one next month anyway.

—40 tablets of generic Tylenol. This can help with ignoring headaches associated with the stress of being too poor to see a doctor, and might help with a fever as well. Make sure to conserve these tablets, however, because there won’t be any more coming until next month.

—80 tablets of generic Claritin. Whether your family needs it or not.

—Applesauce, rice, and toastable bread in case of a stomach flu. Also can provide some extra food in case the Harvest Box proves insufficient. You’ll have to get your own bananas, though, because those aren’t staying ripe for a month.

—1 cast and 1 sling. For dealing with sprains and breaks. If you need more than this, or can’t put the cast on without the help of a medical professional, or the bone is so severely broken that it needs more treatment than just a cast, maybe you should have thought of that before letting your kid climb a tree or jump on the bed while you were busy trying to figure out how to transform the contents of the Harvest Box into a meal for the night. Or frantically searching for a better job so you wouldn’t need to rely on these boxes. Whatever. Your complaints and excuses will be ignored. This is what you get from your not-at-all-socialist government, and that’s final.

—Generic Band-Aids and off-brand Neosporin to stop bacterial infections before they start. Because if they do start, there’s not much you’re going to be able to do about it.

 

Representatives from the Department of Health and Human Services have not responded to requests for comment about whether they are openly trying to kill poor people by doing this.

Trump Denies Having Ever Been President

In a stunning statement this morning, one far too shocking for any other news source to even cover it, Donald Trump proclaimed that no matter what evidence Robert Mueller finds against him, this cannot be used to impeach him because Donald Trump is not, and never has been, the President of the United States of America.

This confession came in a Tweet which was posted about 10:30 this morning, although it says much later because TotesRealNews was using European Twitter for a little while for top-secret reasons. This is an unusual time for a Trump Tweet but this was an unusual tweet. Other news outlets did not dare to reproduce this before it got deleted, but we did, so here it is:

Your Donald J. Trump Fake Tweet - I am not President. The so-called "Trump Presidency" was all a big illusion by Crooked Hillary and the Fake News Media to blame me for everything while they ruined the country. They even pretended I have bad grammar when I have the best grammar.

 

As is clear by the totally real screenshot above, it was retweeted by over 56,000 people before finally being deleted a short time later, but the fake news media alluded to above will never share in the memory of these 56,007 people, some of whom might even be humans rather than bots specifically created to like and retweet things like this.

The fake news media will also never share the follow-up tweet, but we will:

Your Donald J. Trump Fake Tweet - Everyone still insisting I am President. Sad! One would have to be super-crazy to try to be President w/o any political experience or understanding of how government works, and in spite of the haters I am not crazy. I have the best sanity!

 

And then Barack Obama responded:

Your Barack Obama Fake Tweet - As much as I would like to not get involved in this nonsense, it must be said that this claim of Donald Trump never being president is nonsense. Donald, as much as we all wish you were not president, you are. For now, at least.

With such shots fired, more shots soon followed:

Your Donald J. Trump Fake Tweet - Fake American Obama thinks I'm the president. Wrong! Crooked Hillary colluded with Russia to make it seem like she lost so the Clinton News Network could show my body and voice instead of hers while she said and did the worst things a president ever did and blame it on me!

And then this:

Your Hillary Clinton Fake Tweet - @realDonaldTrump I am president? Hahahahahaha! Unlike you, who still won't reveal tax returns, that's rich. As president, I would seek common-sense solutions for all Americans instead of blustering to distract from Trumped-Up trickle down economics in your disaster of a tax bill.

Mr. Trump did not respond to this tweet, probably because his handlers read his previous tweets and took his phone away again.

But the Babadook responded several hours later, with the only tweet in this exchange which can still be found on Twitter:

 

Citing Demogorgon Invasion, Trump Declares National Emergency

Donald Trump recently made a speech advising all Americans to stay safely indoors for the foreseeable future due to the risk posed by demogorgons from the Upside-Down.

Demogorgons are monsters which have been observed multiple times on camera, and this footage has been seen by millions of people. Their extreme quickness and seemingly limitless hunger is reminiscent of the velociraptors from Jurassic Park, but unlike velociraptors the demogorgons are not confined to an island off the coast of Central America. They have been spotted in the mainland United States, in a small town called Hawkins, Indiana, and once a life-threatening menace hits Middle America it has the potential to spread across the entire country.

Recognizing this threat and vowing to keep it under control, President Trump gave a brief speech warning all Americans to take extreme caution until the demogorgons have been destroyed, as well as outlining a plan of action to get rid of the demogorgons. While the mainstream media did not air this speech due to its refusal to recognize demogorgons as a legitimate threat, TotesRealNews was there and recorded what Mr. Trump said. The text of the speech is reproduced below:

I have come to speak to you about a very real danger, and this danger is called demogorgons. The fake news media won’t talk to you about them because they would rather try to take me down with nonsense about Russia, but these demogorgons are bad news. I saw them on TV, and believe me, they are worse than Mexicans. None of these demogorgons are very good people, or even people, I can tell you that.

They are so bad that you all should stay somewhere safe until these demogorgons have been dealt with. I know some of you will be disappointed about missing Halloween, but you would not even be able to enjoy Halloween with these demogorgons around. They will eat all your candy, and then they will eat you. Maybe they eat you first. Who knows? But what I do know is how important it is to take action now, and so I have a plan. It is a very good plan, quite possibly the best plan, and I will tell you about it now.

The first thing we are going to do is build a wall. We will build a very big wall, and a very strong wall, and we will build it around Hawkins, Indiana so the demogorgons can’t get out. Hawkins will pay for it, and if they don’t then we will find a way to get this wall built since it is such an important wall. When this is all over then maybe we will pick this wall up and bring it to the border with Mexico, but right now we are going to focus on building this wall to keep us safe from demogorgons.

The other thing we are going to do is conduct a lot of very quick research on the best way to defeat demogorgons. That means all investigations about Russia or whatever else have to be suspended immediately to focus on the real danger, which is demogorgons. Seriously, they will eat you. Even if Russia and my campaign did anything wrong, which I assure you they didn’t, we would never eat you. Trump Tower taco bowls taste so much better.

Once again, do not go outside, but if you must go outside then visit Donald J. Trump dot com, where you will be able to purchase demogorgon survival kits as long as they haven’t been removed by hackers. Only two hundred dollars, plus shipping and handling.

At press time, no formal plans have been made to build a wall in Indiana, but ISIS has claimed responsibility for the demogorgons. And hackers had apparently visited Donald Trump’s online store, removing one item from the website.

 

 

 

Trump Blames Popular Music for Situation in Puerto Rico

Donald Trump, who is still the President of the United States of America, gave a speech this morning explaining why popular musicians, and not Donald Trump, are to blame for the crisis in Puerto Rico in the wake of Hurricane Maria. He gave this speech not to the general public, but to a small group of real news reporters, none of whom were allowed to bring writing utensils or audio recording devices. This was a problem for the other reporters in attendance, but not for the TotesRealJournalist in attendance who used perfect recall to reproduce the speech below.

 

The liberal fake news media is trying to tell everyone that the terrible situation in Puerto Rico is my fault, but they are wrong. Nothing is my fault, so I’m not responsible for this. What the media isn’t telling you is how popular music made this happen, and since they won’t tell you, I will.

One of these songs which hurt Puerto Rico is one called Believer by a group called Imagine Dragons. First of all, what kind of name is Imagine Dragons? I mean, I always go to bed with a clear conscience to get my three hours of sleep, and now they want me to think about dragons flying around with fiery breath and burning all my money? I wouldn’t sleep at all and then I’d be really cranky and no one would like that, believe me. But anyway, this song Believer, and I’ve been saying I’m a believer in religious stuff for about two years now, talks about how pain and suffering made the guy singing the song a stronger person. So is it really that unreasonable for me to believe, after listening to that song, that letting the people of Puerto Rico suffer would be good for them?

Of course it isn’t, because I am always reasonable. Moving on.

Another one is the new song by Taylor Swift. Who is great. If I wasn’t so busy doing president stuff I’d probably be dating her, and then she’d make the most beautiful song after I broke up with her. But anyway, her song is all about being made to do something, and it’s not good that she did this thing. Meanwhile, Democrats and other people kept trying to get me to lift shipping restrictions to get things to Puerto Rico since the Puerto Ricans are apparently too lazy to get those things themselves, and these people almost made me take action sooner but I listened to this song for inspiration to not let them make me do anything. Couldn’t hold out forever, but thanks to this song I held out a really long time and am still not doing enough.

There’s also this song called Bodak Yellow, it’s one of those rap music songs, and it is really popular right now so of course I know what it is. Bodak, of course, is a country in Africa which is having a really tough time because of yellow fever, and I haven’t been able to help them because the fake news media keeps fighting with me and telling me Bodak is not a country, which would be even sadder if the song didn’t tell me not to help anyone. The rap lyrics in this rap song are about having a lot of money and a lot of nice things and not wanting to do anything nice for anyone else, which as everyone knows is not the way I usually act even though I am very rich, but this is the most popular song in the country right now so obviously this is how people want me to act, so I have been using it as inspiration to not help Bodak or Puerto Rico.

But there is no song which did more to help me make my decision to not do very much than the one called Despacito. Despacito is a Spanish word which means slowly. Slowly is an adverb, and when you are doing something slowly you are being slow with your action. Slow is a four letter word which means the opposite of fast. And in this song they keep saying to do things slowly, and this is a song which comes from Puerto Rico which is an island in the middle of the Caribbean Ocean, so that means in Puerto Rico they want things done slowly. And then I give them hurricane relief slowly and they complain. Do they even know what they want? Who knows. But I don’t have any advisors worth listening to so I do what the songs tell me to do.

Sometimes the advice from the songs turn out to be maybe not the best advice, so Puerto Rico is a disaster right now and the songs made it worse.

Sorry.

But really not sorry.

Wow.

That might have been more ridiculous than Trump’s comments about Puerto Rico which were published on Twitter and the mainstream media. Not definitively so, but maybe.

Looks like it will be up to the American people to help their fellow Americans in Puerto Rico, even through the proposed tax plan is likely to make it increasingly difficult for all but the super-wealthy to be able to afford to make a donation.