Report: Obama Hacked Trump’s Brain

Barack Obama, 2011, Thoughtful
What is he thinking about?Hacking Trump’s robot brain, perhaps?

 

According to a source which cannot be named, Barack Obama is currently under suspicion of hacking Donald Trump’s brain in order to make the current president want to take away America’s guns.

Doubters of the world’s greatest news organization might find this preposterous, since many believe Donald Trump does not have a brain and a brain which does not exist cannot be hacked, but these naysayers are incorrect. Donald Trump does have a brain, and according to the aforementioned anonymous source it is a robot brain.

Mr. Trump allegedly was not always prone to dreaming of electric sheep, but this changed around fifty years ago when he briefly died of bone spurs. People, cruel people, mock this condition as a cop-out for cowards to avoid armed service, but it is an extremely serious ailment when someone has bone spurs in the way Donald Trump had bone spurs. The unnamed informant claims Mr. Trump’s bone spurs were the same shape and sharpness as the metal spurs used for riding horses, and while it took years for one of these spurs to fully penetrate one of his metatarsals, the same day that it did was a day when Donald Trump decided to hang upside down to prove that he could, causing the spur to fly through his leg bones, exit through his pelvis, fly through his rib cage, and land in his heart.

What happened next, according to the anonymous informant, was kept secret for years because the public was unlikely to be able to handle it. The public was not supposed to know how advanced robotics was, and it was not supposed to know that if a family was wealthy enough it could buy new mechanical organs to replace the human ones. But, according to words on the internet, it happened and Donald Trump was fitted with a mechanical heart which can handle a specific finite number of beats before expiring, and a robotic brain which was designed to be as much like Donald Trump’s original brain as possible so the body wouldn’t classify it as a foreign object and therefore refuse to tolerate it.

Although the procedure appeared to be a resounding success at first, the program was discontinued when observers could see what became of their test subject, but they still allowed him to continue existing. His robot heart keeps beating, using a self-cleaning mechanism to protect the body from one of the deadliest dangers associated with frequent fast food consumption. And his robot brain keeps doing what it does, being less capable of empathy than his previous brain was, but much more prone to being hacked.

Because of the vulnerability of computerized brains, Obama was able to hack into it, with the help of the FBI and George Soros and the Illuminazi Party, in order to change Mr. Trump’s stance on gun control and possibly take away America’s guns.

Either that, or the story about Trump being a robot is a bunch of nonsense and the gun lobby is so far out of control that even Donald Trump sees the need to rein them in at least a little bit.

Advertisements

All Mass Shooters to be Renamed Wayne LaPierre

Suit Business Man Business Man Male Person
Not Wayne LaPierre. Unless bananas have unknown deadly qualities.

 

Changing one’s name usually requires spending a lot of time and cutting through a lot of red tape, but thanks to a bill which raced through Congress this morning and was signed by a president who was too distracted to read it, anyone who attempts to commit mass murder will have their name changed immediately. Not quickly, not within a day or two, but immediately. And their name will always be changed to Wayne LaPierre.

The reason for this instant name change is that most plans to kill a lot of people are inspired, at least in part, by a desire to become well-known. These people, if they can even be called that, have written in diaries and manifestos about wanting to kill as many people as possible so their names can be in the news and maybe even the history books, whether they survive or not. But now, these monsters cannot get that satisfaction, and neither can their ghosts, because from now on the news will report their crimes as being committed by Wayne LaPierre.

Just omitting their names is not enough, so all images of a mass shooter, either accused or convicted, will be pixelated fully to eliminate all possibility of recognition. There is no good reason for people to want to see pictures and videos of these killers or attempted killers, so the images will be treated as obscene and censored accordingly. Same for any audio footage involving a newly-named Wayne LaPierre.

Those who have been named Wayne LaPierre will sometimes have a chance to get their old names back. If someone was wrongly accused, which theoretically could happen, this person can get their old name back and will not have to mention ever having been Wayne LaPierre. If someone bought guns and wrote a manifesto but never murdered anyone, this person will be referred to as Wayne LaPierre during any news coverage about the plot, but if they can prove themselves to be reformed and ready to be a decent human being, then they won’t have to be Wayne LaPierre anymore.

The “real” Wayne LaPierre, however, will be Wayne LaPierre for the rest of his life, since at this point there is no way he can prove he has become a decent human being.

This new law is not being reported by any of the mainstream media because they are afraid of the NRA, but as Huzzah News does not expect to be noticed by the NRA, we have no such fear and can report freely on this news, which is about as true as everything else on this site.

Firearms Industry to Donate 300K Guns, 6 Billion Dollars to USA Public Schools

 

Child School Girl Children Education Eleme
Why is she not excited about this news?

 

For those of you who were worrying about the potentially crippling costs involved with improving school security to defend against shootings, worry no more. The knight in sleek black armor known as the firearms industry has stepped up and donated billions of dollars and hundreds of thousands of guns to keep schools safe without cutting into the educational budget.

Training security guards to handle firearms, especially when many of these guards had previously been required to do nothing more dangerous than breaking up fist fights between twelve-year-olds, is an expensive undertaking. It’s hard to tell how much the expenses would be, between training and insurance and the guards demanding more money for their fancy new skill, but these expenses are significant. Not so significant, however, that throwing 6 billion dollars at the issue won’t take care of it for at least almost a year. And since the firearms industry, unlike the education industry, has billions of dollars in profits, the NRA and the companies it represents have willingly parted with 6 billion dollars. For the sake of the children.

Additionally, in order to remove skepticism in anyone who may doubt the ethical motives of the gun industry, several major gun companies have agreed to donate three hundred thousand firearms to the public school system so the schools don’t have to pay for the guns themselves. Smith & Wesson, Remington, Ruger, Glock, Sig Sauer, and a few other brands which are known for manufacturing death machines all signed on to give their products away without even taking the time to make sure they will get a solid tax break for this. Because such an action had to be done, out of the goodness of their hearts, to protect the children.

NRA leader Wayne LaPierre, who is not a terrible person if you just get to the Merriam-Webster headquarters and make them change the definition of “terrible,” briefly spoke with Huzzah News to clarify his reasoning for coordinating with firearms companies to make these donations. According to LaPierre, “People are always saying the NRA and all the gun people are greedy, but they couldn’t be more wrong. We have always been in the business of helping people stay safe, not making money at every opportunity, no matter what the facts seem to tell you. And like I’ve always said, the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good chunk of money going to improve the American school system. And I happen to believe the best way to improve American schools is by having more guns in them.”

Huzzah News was unfortunately unable to ask any follow-up questions because visitors are only allowed to stay very briefly in Huzzah News Headquarters, but the message is clear: According to the words in this article, the NRA is now extremely generous and there is no need to worry about budget cuts elsewhere to pay for increased security.

If the words in this article are less than 100% accurate, then maybe there is some reason to panic.

DeVos Confirmation Postponed Due to Potential Grizzlies

 

The Internet – The vote to confirm Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education has been postponed indefinitely due to the possibility of grizzly bear attacks. While preventing this totally qualified nominee from assuming this position can be seen as a national embarrassment, what must be done must be done. For safety’s sake.

If any grizzly bears were watching the confirmation hearings, then they likely would have been offended by Mrs. DeVos’s statements about needing to shoot grizzly bears. In addition to the umbrage, these bears might fear for their own safety, and then they could feel the only way to protect themselves is to attack Betsy DeVos  wherever she would be doing the things Secretaries of Education do. Except not quite those things, because her demonstrated lack of faith in public education suggests a radically different approach to the job.

Many people, especially people on the internet, are looking forward to Blackwater founder Erik Prince’s sister getting her billionaire hands on the education system, but unfortunately for these people she will not get to do so, due to the aforementioned grizzly bears. If fences are insufficient to keep bears away from Wyoming schools when the children did nothing to anger the grizzlies, no amount of protective barriers will be enough to keep out self-defensive ursine marauders. And even if Mrs. DeVos is allowed to keep a gun at her desk, constantly having to shoot grizzly bears would be a significant distraction. And if she has to work among others, then she would have to put those others in danger. Additionally, the bears might blame Donald Trump for the DeVos appointment and therefore potentially try to assassinate him, which leaves no other option than to postpone the nomination process until the grizzly problem can be solved or a suitable replacement can be found.

Perhaps someone somewhere is at least as qualified to be Secretary of Education as Betsy DeVos is. Maybe Ben Carson, who should be able to take a shot after the Senate grows a brain and rejects him for the Housing and Urban Development position.

Next Ninja Turtles Movie to Feature Older Turtles

Amphibian, Animal, Cartoon, Reptile

 

The Internet – Totally reliable sources have confirmed that in the next Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, the turtles will not be teenagers.

The increased age of the totally tubular titular characters may come as a surprise, as they are often known for their cartoon depictions, and cartoon characters tend to stay the same age forever. The “teenage” part of the title also suggests they will never grow up, but that suggestion is incorrect. Perhaps they can spend their animated lives in perpetual adolescence, but in the movies, they are no cartoons. So they’re growing up.

The new movie, American Turtle Warriors, will follow the protagonists as they battle Shredder and Krang and other common antagonists, but also their journeys as they deal with the challenges associated with the transition into full-grown adulthood. All of this is rather serious in nature, so to balance all the seriousness the movie will feature a parody of Taylor Swift’s Blank Space from the point of view of MichaelAngelo as he tries to move out of the sewers and into his own place.

TotesRealNews has obtained the lyrics, which have never been seen until now by anyone besides the person who wrote those lyrics, and now the song will be leaked in its entirety.
Wining, dining, candlelight
Pepperoni goes well with all drinks
She said she would spend the night
Took her home and she’s like
“Oh-em-gee Mike what the heck
This smells like a dead skunk’s neck
Gotta go, because blech”

New, sunny, super-clean
Are some things that my abode is not
At least when the roof has leaks
I don’t notice – it’s wet a lot
And hey, there’s no rent
It’s quite a good deal for no dough spent
Here with four of my best friends
After the mutation this is my element

When it comes to prep for Shredder
Life in sewers is pretty nice
Sure, my love life could be better
Heroics come with a price
Fought a long list of opponents
They all blew up or died
People tell me I’m a cheeseball
I do love the pie

Since I’m young and I am jobless
I’ll stay here without shame
Even though I’m sockless
And rats are far from tame
Maybe I’m a bit cold-blooded
My heart still beats the same
And I got a dank place, maybe
I need a change

No broker, I’m too broke
Turns out Jimmy MacMillan was right
Two K monthly is no joke
Since I need money I will fight
When I’m in the mood
I will toss cheesy food
Ring name will be party dude, oh yeah

Pinning, winning, shell shock slam
Quickly break them like bagels, warmed
Post wins on Instagram
Got them reminiscing like
“Love love love, loved that fight
Almost close one, but not quite”
Now the champ belt is in my sight
I’ll hope I won’t forget to send my friends invites

My kick combo can be nasty
Helps me stand tall though I’m not big
For the belt I’ll face a tag team
It’s a rhino and a pig
As foes they are quite familiar
They’re slow, this should be fun
They are strong but I’m much quicker
Now who gave them guns?

What the heck is this madness?
I have to quit and flee
My conscience can’t stand this
High risk of casualties
Maybe I’ll give up the money
But really it’s okay
It’s a struggle dank place dating
But I’ll find a way

Guns never should be where it’s crowded
I’m sure of this and this is why I shout it
Guns never should be where it’s crowded
There is no doubt, yeah, there’s no doubt about it
When it comes to prep for Shredder
Life in sewers is pretty nice
Sure, my love life could be better
Heroics come with a price
Fought a long list of opponents
They all blew up or died
People tell me I’m a cheeseball
I do love the pie

Since I’m young and I am jobless
I’ll stay here without shame
Even though I’m sockless
And rats are far from tame
Maybe I’m a bit cold-blooded
My heart still beats the same
It’s a struggle dank place dating
But I’ll find a way

 

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

 

Top Pitching Prospect Waived For Extreme Laziness

Baseball, Ball, Sport, Team, Batting

The Internet – Mike Wesson, a top pitching prospect for an organization which has been asked not to be named due to embarrassment, has been released by his team due to attitude problems.

Wesson, 23, was expected to get his big league call-up in mid-July, but now he is expected to find something else to do after turning in one of the most unexpectedly terrible performances in Pacific Coast League history. Wesson saw his season ERA balloon from under two to over four during two thirds of an inning, in which he got shelled for ten runs.

Wesson, who had been highly touted by scouts for his fastball routinely hitting over 95 on the radar gun, and for his above-average curveball and slider, threw his first pitch right over the middle of the plate at 85 mph, and continued throwing the same pitch until his manager yanked him ten runs later.

When asked what was responsible for his performance, Wesson explained: “All these guys I’m facing, they’re professional hitters. They’re being paid to kill the ball. And they’re determined to do just that, so no matter what I do they’re going to find a way to get a hit at least some of the time. So there is no reason to make matters more difficult for myself, or for the good guys on my team, who would have a much easier time doing what they’re supposed to do if everyone pitched the same way as I did today.”

Wesson’s manager followed this with a profanity-laced tirade, insisting anyone thinking like this should get their head checked and probably be fired immediately.

As of press time, numerous members of Congress were observed thinking in a manner similar to that of Mr. Wesson, but there was no indication that they would be subject to psychiatric evaluation or firing.

Wendigos Planning to Take American Guns

Daemon, Vampire, Zombie, Creepy, Horror

 

The Internet – While many people fear the government will come to their house and take their guns away from them, there is no evidence that this will happen. However, there is a group which is planning to remove guns from homes, and that group is wendigos.

Wendigos, who are often considered to be monsters because of their insatiable appetite for human flesh, are fed up with the constant stream of gun violence within American society, and have decided as a group that they must do something about it. Billy Braineater, president of the Greater North American Wendigo Society (GNAWS), had this to say about the matter: “This wanton destruction of human life which we have observed through monitoring news outlets is deeply disturbing, because if it continues then there may be so few living humans remaining that there will be none left for us. So we must, as a method of self-preservation, find and destroy all human guns in order to keep the bodies fresh.”

Braineater went on to explain how wendigos have learned how to sniff out guns throughout the years, and they can smell for miles, so if you have a gun in your house they will be able to find it. Also, while the intention is only to go for the guns, if a wendigo sees a human while gun-hunting there is no guarantee that instincts and urges won’t take over, thus resulting in a dead, devoured human. It would be tragic, but nothing could be done about it except maybe not having a gun.

According to the NRA, which knows nothing about wendigos, this decision by GNAWS is all the more reason for people to buy guns in order to defend themselves against the supernatural threat.

At the time of this writing, Braineater was looking up information about Wayne LaPierre and other gun advocates so wendigos could go after them first.