Florida Schools Prepare for Pornography Attacks

See, Listen, Talk, Group, Not Hear
These figures will be used in demonstrations of how to ignore pornography when in school. Only the one in the middle is doing it the right way.

As a follow-up to their declaration of pornography as a public health risk, Florida’s lawmakers have been hard at work trying to figure out how to protect the state’s children in case a school is attacked with pornography.

At the present point in time, someone could simply walk into a school with an iPad and start playing pornography for everyone to see, or at least everyone within a few feet of the screen, which could be dozens of students once word spreads about what’s going on. Sure, eventually a school official could confiscate the device, but not before the damage is done. And that is why the Florida Legislature has approved funding to help students and teachers prepare for porn attacks.

The training will involve anti-porn activists coming into schools, much like anti-drug activists visited classrooms during the DARE program. These activists will employ arguments such as “you might go blind” and “you might get pregnant” to convince students not to look at pornography. If a porn-wielding maniac enters the school and attempts to cause problems, other students will be taught to look away. If they have to close their eyes while walking and they crash into a wall or worse, that is a small health risk compared to the danger of laying eyes on pornography.

When there is an active porn displayer situation, student will also be taught to shout slogans such as “porn is for cornballs” and “only buttheads watch pornography.” Students will be assured that this will embarrass the person showing the pornography and perhaps those choosing to watch it, but it will certainly not cause any ridicule for the people shouting such things.

Students will be instructed to not, under any circumstances, tackle the porn displayer, as that will result in extremely close exposure to the dangerous visual content. Instead, students and teachers will be trained to throw books, erasers, and the buckets of water which will be placed on hooks in every hallway in case such a situation arises, never to be touched otherwise.

Finally, since this is Florida, as a last resort it may be permissible to shoot a “porn-carrying sicko.” Anything to protect the innocent eyes of these poor schoolchildren who would never be exposed to any obscene images if not for school pornings.


Millions of Aunts and Grandmothers Going to Jail For Unwanted Kisses

Because it is now considered acceptable to accuse someone of sexual assault for nothing more than a kiss on the cheek without gaining explicit permission to do so, for the sake of legal consistency the United States will now send almost all of its aunts and grandmothers to jail for kissing their younger relatives on the cheek without these children giving true verbal consent beforehand.

Sometimes children say “okay, fine” when told by parents to let their aunts and grandmothers kiss them, but that is not true consent because of the power structures involved in which the child can get in trouble with his or her parents for refusing the affection of the older relative.

Of course, you could say that this argument is a poor argument because these grandmotherly kisses are not sexual in nature, BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG. Not about the kisses being sexual in nature, because they are not, but the argument is not a poor one because accusers these days appear unconcerned with whether the intent involved anything more than a slightly overenthusiastic display of affection, but whether the subjects of the affection were made to feel uncomfortable.

Unless one is an unabashed perpetrator of villainy then one should not strive to make others uncomfortable, so making others uncomfortable can be construed as problematic. However, it is highly inconsistent from a logical perspective to get all bent out of shape about crossing a line when two adults are involved and not being upset about this same line regarding cheek-kisses being crossed when the cheek being kissed belongs to a child. And these children are made uncomfortable by these kisses because if they were not then they would not try to avoid them.

Therefore, simple logic dictates that these millions of aunts and grandmothers have broken the law and should therefore be sent to jail.

Not just that they should be, but if this country makes any sense at all then they will be. And if the jails fill up and a certain incarcerated Professor needs to be freed because of this, then this is a small price to pay for making sure that renegade aunts and grandmothers are brought to justice.

NY Giants, NY Mets Agree to Swap Rosters

American Football, Rhino, Sports
Both the Giants and Mets are not represented by the rhinoceros

Citing strong dissatisfaction with the direction of their teams, management for both the New York Giants and the New York Mets decided to make radical changes to their respective teams by taking each other’s players. Most of the Giants have little to no experience playing baseball at a high level, and the Mets have very little experience with NFL-caliber football, but the old strategy wasn’t working so they are trying something else.

The Mets, who not long ago had one of the best pitching staffs in baseball, are expected to have an abysmal starting rotation. Eli Manning is the best bet to notch a quality start, with about 50:1 odds to make it through six innings without giving up more than three runs. A fastball unlikely to crack 80 MPH and zero ability to throw breaking pitches won’t strike fear into the hearts of opposing teams, but he’ll find the strike zone much more often than he found the end zone, and if his teammates learn to play decent defense then he might be able to keep his ERA under 20.00. The rest of the rotation is unclear, although maybe Geno Smith will get a shot, and the guy who kicks the field goals might pitch because he has shown some sort of eye-limb coordination. And since none of them are expected to throw very hard, maybe they can each pitch every three games without getting too tired or injured.

As for offense, well, there is a lot of physical strength on the team. So with a bit of training, and a bit more training, and a good deal of luck regarding some of them having the innate talent which allows them to hit major league pitching once in a while, they should eventually start scoring runs. If the run-scoring comes at the same time as a strong pitching performance allowing less than ten runs in a game, these new New York Mets might win a game over the course of the season. Maybe even more than one.

Probably not more than ten. Definitely not more than fifty. This team is likely to be the worst Mets team in the history of the Mets, making 1962 look like 2015 or even 1986. For those readers who do not know what those years mean, the point is these new Mets are not the same as the old Mets because they will be much worse. But management decided that any change was better than sticking with what they had, so this is what they have now.

As for the new NY Giants, if they could clone Noah Syndergaard and have him play every position then this might be a playoff-caliber team. However, since this is reality and not The Land of Unrealistic Hypothetical Scenarios, they will have to make do with different players at each position. Syndergaard can be tight end, with the steady arm of Jacob DeGrom at quarterback. Cespedes can be running back until his hamstring breaks again, and then Tim Tebow can get a chance at that position. Tebow certainly isn’t going to play quarterback again. The wide receivers can be whoever, since they’re not going to be thrown to anyway. It’ll just be Degrom handing the ball off or throwing it to Syndergaard/the other team every play. Matt Harvey can be the kicker—that way he can protect his fragile arm and shoulder, and it’s not like they’ll be in field goal range very often. David Wright will do the same nothing as he usually does.

As for defense—it will be bad. Maybe the Giants will put some of the stronger players on both sides of the ball, but none of them will be especially good. Opposing offenses, even terrible ones, will cause major problems for this defense, and the drastic changes made to the team won’t make it better suited to tackle its problems. With the new defensive linemen giving up about 100 pounds to opposing offensive lines, the Giants’ enemies will be able to embarrass them thoroughly as long as these Giants have any pride left.

It could be tempting to switch the teams back again, but what’s done is done so there’s no way to turn back now. The only thing to do is give them a chance to disprove the haters and doubters, of which there are many. If they are still dysfunctional by 2020, then there will be an opportunity to fill roster spots with players who are qualified for the position.

At least, this will be possible if the Mets and Giants still exist when 2020 comes around.

Trump Denies Having Ever Been President

In a stunning statement this morning, one far too shocking for any other news source to even cover it, Donald Trump proclaimed that no matter what evidence Robert Mueller finds against him, this cannot be used to impeach him because Donald Trump is not, and never has been, the President of the United States of America.

This confession came in a Tweet which was posted about 10:30 this morning, although it says much later because TotesRealNews was using European Twitter for a little while for top-secret reasons. This is an unusual time for a Trump Tweet but this was an unusual tweet. Other news outlets did not dare to reproduce this before it got deleted, but we did, so here it is:

Your Donald J. Trump Fake Tweet - I am not President. The so-called "Trump Presidency" was all a big illusion by Crooked Hillary and the Fake News Media to blame me for everything while they ruined the country. They even pretended I have bad grammar when I have the best grammar.


As is clear by the totally real screenshot above, it was retweeted by over 56,000 people before finally being deleted a short time later, but the fake news media alluded to above will never share in the memory of these 56,007 people, some of whom might even be humans rather than bots specifically created to like and retweet things like this.

The fake news media will also never share the follow-up tweet, but we will:

Your Donald J. Trump Fake Tweet - Everyone still insisting I am President. Sad! One would have to be super-crazy to try to be President w/o any political experience or understanding of how government works, and in spite of the haters I am not crazy. I have the best sanity!


And then Barack Obama responded:

Your Barack Obama Fake Tweet - As much as I would like to not get involved in this nonsense, it must be said that this claim of Donald Trump never being president is nonsense. Donald, as much as we all wish you were not president, you are. For now, at least.

With such shots fired, more shots soon followed:

Your Donald J. Trump Fake Tweet - Fake American Obama thinks I'm the president. Wrong! Crooked Hillary colluded with Russia to make it seem like she lost so the Clinton News Network could show my body and voice instead of hers while she said and did the worst things a president ever did and blame it on me!

And then this:

Your Hillary Clinton Fake Tweet - @realDonaldTrump I am president? Hahahahahaha! Unlike you, who still won't reveal tax returns, that's rich. As president, I would seek common-sense solutions for all Americans instead of blustering to distract from Trumped-Up trickle down economics in your disaster of a tax bill.

Mr. Trump did not respond to this tweet, probably because his handlers read his previous tweets and took his phone away again.

But the Babadook responded several hours later, with the only tweet in this exchange which can still be found on Twitter:


TotesRealnews Staff Escapes After Month Trapped Underground

Cave, Gallery, Subterranean, Stones
Just before escape. Too dangerous for pictures earlier.


The entire journalistic staff of TotesRealNews had been missing in action for the past month, and while they had been missing they had also been in plenty of action due to the effort required to escape from the massive underground dungeon in which they had been imprisoned.

The reason for this dungeon’s existence remains unknown, as the intrepid journalists found themselves so busy struggling to survive and eventually escape that there was no time for inquiries regarding who was in charge and why those in power would create such a hazardous place deep in the bowels of the section of the Earth’s crust which isn’t especially far below sea level. The caverns extended approximately three hundred feet below the surface, although exact measurements were difficult to ascertain without the proper instruments.

In addition to not being able to ask much due to being otherwise preoccupied, the staff of TotesRealNews could not ask much of those nearby due to the hostile nature of the apparent natives. The first of these natives to appear reminded the TotesRealStaff of Morlocks, and also warlocks, so the temporarily inconvenienced reporters and other TotesRealNewspeople called them morwocks when not running away screaming. And there was a lot of running away screaming because although the ability to report on news which no one else can find may seem magical at times, TotesRealReporters are not actual wizards so the morwocks were able to cast spells at will. For the most part, their magic made victims hungry, and all the food available was liver and onions and terrible bread.

This food was so terrible that the TotesRealStaff believed it was worse than any news which could be going on in the outside world.

After what seemed to be somewhere between a week and eternity, and possibly both at the same time, the morwocks stayed below as the TotesRealJournalists faced a variety of subterranean swamp monsters. These were not former Goldman Sachs employees or ostensible human beings who have been in Congress forever, but slimy beasts in a mucky swamp. Sticks suspiciously situated at the edge on the swamp were used to poke the monsters and avoid becoming TotesRealCorpses, but the sticks provided enough time to survive, not enough time to escape.

Escape finally happened when one editor hugged one of the monsters out of desperation, and then the monster slumped into the swamp and disappeared. This lead the rest of the TotesRealStaff to hug monsters, which was unpleasant and at least a little bit traumatic, but it worked and then it became possible to move closer to the surface.

The other challenges were even more difficult, so terrible as to be unprintable, but they happened. Several staff members had to be hospitalized afterwards, thus further delaying the publication of the uniquely true articles which TotesRealNews creates, and it could have been much worse.

As it happened, and it totally happened, the staff of TotesRealNews staff was out of commission for a month because of unlikely and unexplainable circumstances, and not because of one person being a combination of lazy and too overwhelmed by the news cycle to try to write about it.


Trump Blames Popular Music for Situation in Puerto Rico

Donald Trump, who is still the President of the United States of America, gave a speech this morning explaining why popular musicians, and not Donald Trump, are to blame for the crisis in Puerto Rico in the wake of Hurricane Maria. He gave this speech not to the general public, but to a small group of real news reporters, none of whom were allowed to bring writing utensils or audio recording devices. This was a problem for the other reporters in attendance, but not for the TotesRealJournalist in attendance who used perfect recall to reproduce the speech below.


The liberal fake news media is trying to tell everyone that the terrible situation in Puerto Rico is my fault, but they are wrong. Nothing is my fault, so I’m not responsible for this. What the media isn’t telling you is how popular music made this happen, and since they won’t tell you, I will.

One of these songs which hurt Puerto Rico is one called Believer by a group called Imagine Dragons. First of all, what kind of name is Imagine Dragons? I mean, I always go to bed with a clear conscience to get my three hours of sleep, and now they want me to think about dragons flying around with fiery breath and burning all my money? I wouldn’t sleep at all and then I’d be really cranky and no one would like that, believe me. But anyway, this song Believer, and I’ve been saying I’m a believer in religious stuff for about two years now, talks about how pain and suffering made the guy singing the song a stronger person. So is it really that unreasonable for me to believe, after listening to that song, that letting the people of Puerto Rico suffer would be good for them?

Of course it isn’t, because I am always reasonable. Moving on.

Another one is the new song by Taylor Swift. Who is great. If I wasn’t so busy doing president stuff I’d probably be dating her, and then she’d make the most beautiful song after I broke up with her. But anyway, her song is all about being made to do something, and it’s not good that she did this thing. Meanwhile, Democrats and other people kept trying to get me to lift shipping restrictions to get things to Puerto Rico since the Puerto Ricans are apparently too lazy to get those things themselves, and these people almost made me take action sooner but I listened to this song for inspiration to not let them make me do anything. Couldn’t hold out forever, but thanks to this song I held out a really long time and am still not doing enough.

There’s also this song called Bodak Yellow, it’s one of those rap music songs, and it is really popular right now so of course I know what it is. Bodak, of course, is a country in Africa which is having a really tough time because of yellow fever, and I haven’t been able to help them because the fake news media keeps fighting with me and telling me Bodak is not a country, which would be even sadder if the song didn’t tell me not to help anyone. The rap lyrics in this rap song are about having a lot of money and a lot of nice things and not wanting to do anything nice for anyone else, which as everyone knows is not the way I usually act even though I am very rich, but this is the most popular song in the country right now so obviously this is how people want me to act, so I have been using it as inspiration to not help Bodak or Puerto Rico.

But there is no song which did more to help me make my decision to not do very much than the one called Despacito. Despacito is a Spanish word which means slowly. Slowly is an adverb, and when you are doing something slowly you are being slow with your action. Slow is a four letter word which means the opposite of fast. And in this song they keep saying to do things slowly, and this is a song which comes from Puerto Rico which is an island in the middle of the Caribbean Ocean, so that means in Puerto Rico they want things done slowly. And then I give them hurricane relief slowly and they complain. Do they even know what they want? Who knows. But I don’t have any advisors worth listening to so I do what the songs tell me to do.

Sometimes the advice from the songs turn out to be maybe not the best advice, so Puerto Rico is a disaster right now and the songs made it worse.


But really not sorry.


That might have been more ridiculous than Trump’s comments about Puerto Rico which were published on Twitter and the mainstream media. Not definitively so, but maybe.

Looks like it will be up to the American people to help their fellow Americans in Puerto Rico, even through the proposed tax plan is likely to make it increasingly difficult for all but the super-wealthy to be able to afford to make a donation.

100% True Spoilers From This Week’s Game of Thrones

Millions of people will be tuning in to HBO tonight to watch the season premiere of Game of Thrones, this being the seventh season of the epic fantasy series. And since the show has caught up to the books in terms of narrative, it is especially difficult to predict what happens next. The suspense could be overwhelming, and in order to potentially lessen dangerous feelings of plot-related anxiety, Totes Real News has obtained five important plot elements of the season premiere and these spoilers are now on the internet for everyone to read.

Tyrion Lannister Grows About a Foot Taller

It tuns out that while Tyrion was biologically destined to be short, he wasn’t supposed to be that short. Tywin’s abuse of his son, stemming from resentment over Tyrion’s mother’s death, was more extensive than even Tyrion had realized. Every time Tywin saw Tyrion sleeping alone as a teenager, Tywin applied an ointment to Tyrion’s skin. This ointment became invisible within minutes, but had long-lasting effects on Tyrion, with the primary result being stunting Tyrion’s growth. Tyrion eventually learned about the ointment from Jaime, and during a lull in events Tyrion consulted with a sorceress to stimulate his growth hormones and allow him to reach his natural height. He also looks younger now, since the ointment caused some premature aging, and he is now portrayed by Elijah Wood.

Ned Stark is Not Dead

Everyone watching the show, or reading the books, was sure Ned Stark had ceased to be alive. Trustworthy people, or at least as trustworthy as anyone can be in Westeros, saw the beheading. People can come back from some pretty serious injuries despite the lack of modern medicine, but no one has ever been beheaded and returned as a fully living person.

But Eddard Stark was never beheaded. He saw trouble coming the moment he heard of Jon Arryn’s death, and then he went searching for an actor who played him in mummer’s farces because this actor looked almost exactly like Ned Stark. With a little coloring of the hair and a couple of extra pounds, this man could pass as Ned Stark. So Ned went into hiding, paying this actor quite well to pretend to be Ned Stark, and the actor used such strong method techniques that he ended up being executed as Ned Stark. But Ned Stark, who told no one of this plan lest they ruin it, was not actually dead, and season seven sees him return and struggle to explain himself to any potential allies he can find.

Cersei Lannister Sees a Therapist

Cersei Lannister comes to realize that if she keeps acting the way he does, the rest of Westeros is finally going to agree on something, with that something being the necessity of banding together to destroy Cersei Lannister. So she spent the time between seasons consulting with a maester who specializes in mental health counseling in order to try to figure out how to control her urges to be irredeemably power-hungry. She hasn’t stopped being a terrible person in tonight’s episode, but she makes a little progress.

Jon Snow Goes on a Game Show, Loses

Jon Snow is picked as a contestant on the new game show “Westero Celebrities: Do They Know Things? What Do They Know?” and it doesn’t go well for him. Not only does he fail to recall basic Westerosi history involving the exploits of Bran the Builder, but he cannot recall the previous Lord Commander of the Watch. Jon Snow truly knows nothing.

Or perhaps he let his opponents win for a reason. You’ll have to watch later episodes, or read later spoilers, to find out.

Drogon Kills Daenerys Targaryen with One Hot Breath

In an episode full of shockers, this is the shockingest shocker. The Mother of Dragons is dead now, killed by her own “child.” Everyone seemed to expect her to keep playing the Game of Thrones until the very end, as she was seen as the fire in the Song of Ice and Fire, but nope. She’s dead now. No more Khaleesi.

But this was just a hastening of the inevitable. Winter is coming, and while Dany was equipped to deal with a lot of things, she was never ready for winter.


Update: Rumor has it that some, if not all, of these events failed to come to pass, but if that is the case the reason is because the producers were so devastated by the outing of their secrets 15 minutes before air time that they aired an alternate version of episode one where other things happened.