Americans Not Overwhelmed by Recent News

Over the past few days, the reports in the mainstream news media have been a bit on the intense side, and citizens of other countries might have been unable to deal with all the madness, but not Americans.

Americans are fine.

No panic here whatsoever.

If confronted with the headlines on the homepage of CNN, people from other countries might take to the streets and start screaming at the top of their lungs that the apocalypse is obviously coming and they don’t want that to happen and then there would be a report of a massive drop in productivity due to running in the streets and screaming and that report would be buried at the bottom of the page under the rest of the madness and no one would even read it because they would be too busy screaming, but not Americans.

Americans are fine.

First Trump wanted to arm teachers, then he wanted to take away a bunch of guns but probably not from the teachers, and now he might have softened his stance on guns but wants to fight pretty much everyone on the trade front by enacting tariffs like it’s 1850, and this is okay with Americans. It’s just Trump being Trump. People were tired of politics as usual, and this is the opposite of that, so it’s fine.

Putin has a bomb now, too, apparently, and a more dangerous one than most bombs. This is according to actual reliable sources which can even be quoted and cited. But that’s fine. Americans are fine with that. It’s only a bomb, and these days it seems like everyone has a bomb. Israel has bombs. The United States has bombs. North Korea has bombs, and Americans are maybe a little less fine with that but still not panicking. Even the weather has bombs and it just set one off, which is also fine.

This bomb is the bomb cyclone, which is not pleasant, but Americans remain even-keeled. After a couple of months of unseasonable warmth, this is a small price to pay and everyone knows it so there are no complaints on this front.

None whatsoever.

Americans are fine.

There was also another school shooting this morning, and the Onion will probably trot out the same article it always does if it hasn’t already and no one will read it because they just saw the same article a couple of weeks ago, and except for the people who were directly affected by it Americans will hardly even think about it after the initial outrage, if they even have energy left for outrage after Parkland and the ensuing non-response by Congress.

Maybe Americans aren’t exactly fine, but they will manage. They will seem fine.

Americans will continue to seem fine until another reality-TV celebrity who is not also a politician makes a questionable decision, most likely fashion-related.

Americans can’t handle that. They literally can’t even. But otherwise, Americans are fine.

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Trump Demands Tropical Storm Don be Renamed Hurricane Donald

A new storm called Don recently arrived in the Caribbean Sea, and Donald Trump immediately called a press conference to discuss this new development instead of talking about the health care bill or his approval ratings. The president spoke for several minutes, explaining why he felt this storm should be classified as a hurricane as well as why it should lengthen its name.

The entire speech is reproduced here:

 

You might have heard about the big news from today, the new storm forming in the Caribbean Sea. Great sea, the Caribbean. Beautiful beaches, beautiful people. Many people were telling me it’s such a great place that I should have built many hotels there, but I had to tell them no because my hotels are always huge and it’s not a good idea to build towers when they have yuuuge windy storms there all the time.

As you know, one of those storms started there today, and people are calling it Don. Listen, people. Let’s call it what it is. It’s Donald. Don is short for Donald. I mean, it’s not Donatello. No one’s named that anymore, and that’s a turtle name. Turtles are slow. No one is going to be worried about winds going two, three miles an hour. That hardly even affects my golf game, which let me tell you is getting much better. It’s not Adonis either. It’s Donald. That’s its name. Deal with it.

Now Hurricane Donald, and it is Hurricane Donald and not this wimpy Tropical Storm Don, is really windy. Donalds in general are very windy. So full of wind. Wind coming from everywhere. It’s a breath of fresh air, and then a breath of not-so-fresh air, but we don’t have to talk about that second part, do we? We do not. We are talking about all the wind blown by Donalds, and this new hurricane is definitely a Donald, and because it is a Donald there will be so much wind. It will be gusting bigly.

It will be powerful too. So powerful. Powerful and destructive. Donalds destroy everything they touch, and this storm will be no exception. Businesses, marriages, public respect for family members…this hurricane is going to destroy all of them because it will be so strong. The strongest. Other hurricanes, which are the only family this hurricane has, will be ashamed of how weak they are next to Hurricane Donald. It’ll be amazing, really.

This will be the greatest hurricane of all time. So much more wind and rain than the others, especially Hurricane Hilary, which was a nasty storm. Such a nasty storm, but my storm is going to be bigger. And this is not just because it is Hurricane Donald. There are other reasons, but they have to stay secret because if the hurricane hears too much it will know about my plan to defeat it and that will make the battle much more difficult than it needs to be.

But I will defeat this hurricane, that I can tell you. No storm can stand against me because I am the windiest, most destructive Donald of them all.

Immediately following this speech, Sarah Huckabee Sanders declared that she needed to look for Sean Spicer and then she quickly disappeared from view.

Soros Admits To Causing Snowstorm

The Internet – The east coast of the United States of America got hit with a brutal snowstorm Thursday morning, and George Soros has apparently taken responsibility for the inclement weather.

In a semi-public statement only available to the most dedicated conspiracy theorists, Soros admitted he initially used his weather machine in the hopes Republicans in Congress might think the storm was punishment for their votes confirming highly unqualified and/or potentially dangerous Cabinet picks, but after the storm was already set in motion he realized the foolishness this logic. Congressional Republicans firmly believe God is a staunch conservative, so if anything they’d think the storm was punishment for the Democrats trying to reject those picks. So there was no other choice than to take responsibility for the storm.

Soros also addressed those who might doubt his possession of a weather machine, saying “of course I have a weather device. Just because I am fighting against Republican values rather than for personal gain, does that make me not a supervillain? I also have a shrink ray and sharks with laser beams on their heads, as is required for great villainy, but those would only be used in especially dire situations, such as the Department of Education being legislated out of existence.”

Soros’ statement, which you would be able to see in its entirety if you were more dedicated to the art of truth-seeking, also included a statement of intent to keep using the weather machine in the future. “There is no evidence of an angry God causing the storm,” he wrote, “but plenty of evidence it has been caused by an angry George Soros. And I am angry, and will likely continue to be angry as long as the so-called president continues his foolish foreign and domestic policies. And as long as I am angry, more artificial storms are possible, causing massive inconvenience for many businesses. And no authorities can prevent this without a change in policy. What are they going to do, arrest me? Changing the weather is not illegal, is it? It certainly won’t be if Scott Pruitt is put in charge of the EPA.”

So there you have it. George Soros is totally to blame for this morning’s storm, which is sure to upset a lot of people. However, one Twitter user and fellow supervillain was not upset, as shown by this supportive tweet: