Avocado Club: David Wolfe is Toast!

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Not a picture of David Wolfe

 

 

The Avocado Club, which calls itself North America’s foremost association of avocado aficionados, has thoroughly denounced internet celebrity David Wolfe, calling him toast.

Avocado Club leadership has been opposed to toast for a significant amount of time, ever since avocado toast gained a reputation as a favorite food of urban millennials, the people who allegedly chose to spend their money on things like avocado toast rather than saving up their cash to eventually invest in purchasing a home. According to the Avocado Club, from that point on toast was something which makes avocados look bad. And since David Wolfe, who has been putting “Avocado” in his name for years, makes avocados look bad, David Wolfe has been declared toast and is now being asked to remove the fruit from his name.

Ronnie Avocado (not his birth name), president of the Avocado Club, had this to say on the matter:

David Wolfe? More like AvocadNO! Yeah, yeah, it’s a bad joke, but not as bad of a joke as all this nonsense this fake avocado keeps trying to shove down our throats when our throats should be getting more delicious avocados. Like, how is anybody supposed to appreciate the savory flavor of the greatest sandwich fruit ever made when they are dead? Because if they get bad flu because David Notvocado told them some lies about mercury so they skip the vaccine, that’s how you get dead people.

And when you get the stomach flu because you drank some raw water full of all-natural e-coli, how much appetite for avocados are you going to have? Most likely none, and that’s how much respect we have for David “Toast” Wolfe.

People worship his every word like he’s some sort of holy man, like he’s some sort of guacamole man, but really he’s more of a toilet bowly man. If you can see me and believe in the realness of my being, then believe this: If David Wolfe keeps calling himself what he is not, then the Avocado Club will be forced to take this turkey to court. Where we may o’ may not take all his money. Okay, yeah, that’s enough. I’ll stop now.

At press time, the Avocado Club was debating whether to try to get the avocado, lettuce and tomato sandwich renamed to avoid association with the alt-right.

Also, incidentally, there is no record of anyone ever seeing Ronnie Avocado, but according to words on the internet he is apparently a real person.

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Medicaid to be Replaced with “Doc Box”

DOCBOX
Who needs a doctor when you can have this box?

 

In another cost-cutting procedure needed to pay for military parades or a wall or something super-important like that, the Trump Administration recently announced that low-income individuals and their families will no longer receive Medicaid benefits, instead receiving monthly “Doc Boxes” to help them with their medical needs.

These boxes will contain the following items in addition to ample packaging material:

—A thermometer. This is a simple way to tell whether you or your child needs to take a cold bath, assuming you live in a home with running water, or take an over-the counter fever reducer. The thermometer has been previously used and batteries are not fully charged, but you will get a new one next month anyway.

—40 tablets of generic Tylenol. This can help with ignoring headaches associated with the stress of being too poor to see a doctor, and might help with a fever as well. Make sure to conserve these tablets, however, because there won’t be any more coming until next month.

—80 tablets of generic Claritin. Whether your family needs it or not.

—Applesauce, rice, and toastable bread in case of a stomach flu. Also can provide some extra food in case the Harvest Box proves insufficient. You’ll have to get your own bananas, though, because those aren’t staying ripe for a month.

—1 cast and 1 sling. For dealing with sprains and breaks. If you need more than this, or can’t put the cast on without the help of a medical professional, or the bone is so severely broken that it needs more treatment than just a cast, maybe you should have thought of that before letting your kid climb a tree or jump on the bed while you were busy trying to figure out how to transform the contents of the Harvest Box into a meal for the night. Or frantically searching for a better job so you wouldn’t need to rely on these boxes. Whatever. Your complaints and excuses will be ignored. This is what you get from your not-at-all-socialist government, and that’s final.

—Generic Band-Aids and off-brand Neosporin to stop bacterial infections before they start. Because if they do start, there’s not much you’re going to be able to do about it.

 

Representatives from the Department of Health and Human Services have not responded to requests for comment about whether they are openly trying to kill poor people by doing this.

Firearms Industry to Donate 300K Guns, 6 Billion Dollars to USA Public Schools

 

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Why is she not excited about this news?

 

For those of you who were worrying about the potentially crippling costs involved with improving school security to defend against shootings, worry no more. The knight in sleek black armor known as the firearms industry has stepped up and donated billions of dollars and hundreds of thousands of guns to keep schools safe without cutting into the educational budget.

Training security guards to handle firearms, especially when many of these guards had previously been required to do nothing more dangerous than breaking up fist fights between twelve-year-olds, is an expensive undertaking. It’s hard to tell how much the expenses would be, between training and insurance and the guards demanding more money for their fancy new skill, but these expenses are significant. Not so significant, however, that throwing 6 billion dollars at the issue won’t take care of it for at least almost a year. And since the firearms industry, unlike the education industry, has billions of dollars in profits, the NRA and the companies it represents have willingly parted with 6 billion dollars. For the sake of the children.

Additionally, in order to remove skepticism in anyone who may doubt the ethical motives of the gun industry, several major gun companies have agreed to donate three hundred thousand firearms to the public school system so the schools don’t have to pay for the guns themselves. Smith & Wesson, Remington, Ruger, Glock, Sig Sauer, and a few other brands which are known for manufacturing death machines all signed on to give their products away without even taking the time to make sure they will get a solid tax break for this. Because such an action had to be done, out of the goodness of their hearts, to protect the children.

NRA leader Wayne LaPierre, who is not a terrible person if you just get to the Merriam-Webster headquarters and make them change the definition of “terrible,” briefly spoke with Huzzah News to clarify his reasoning for coordinating with firearms companies to make these donations. According to LaPierre, “People are always saying the NRA and all the gun people are greedy, but they couldn’t be more wrong. We have always been in the business of helping people stay safe, not making money at every opportunity, no matter what the facts seem to tell you. And like I’ve always said, the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good chunk of money going to improve the American school system. And I happen to believe the best way to improve American schools is by having more guns in them.”

Huzzah News was unfortunately unable to ask any follow-up questions because visitors are only allowed to stay very briefly in Huzzah News Headquarters, but the message is clear: According to the words in this article, the NRA is now extremely generous and there is no need to worry about budget cuts elsewhere to pay for increased security.

If the words in this article are less than 100% accurate, then maybe there is some reason to panic.

New App Shows What Your Phone Looks Like With a Virus

A new web app offers social media users the opportunity to find out what their phone looks like with a virus on it, and millions of people have taken advantage of this offer.

Or perhaps the offer has taken advantage of them.

The web app, known as LoonzLoonz after the website where it can be found, is one of many mind-bogglingly popular applications offering quizzes in which the participant does not answer a single question. LoonzLoonz struggled at first with such quizzes as “Which Care Bear is Going to Murder You?” and “What is Your Soul Mate Going to Use as an Excuse to Reject You This Time?”, but when it launched “What Does Your Phone Look Like with a Virus?”, that’s when the app finally went…ahem…viral.

One user, who wishes to remain anonymous due to shame, told HuzzahNews “I gave LoonzLoonz a chance because this seemed like important information. If I don’t know how to spot the signs of a virus early, it could spread and spread and completely destroy my phone. So I took the quiz, which only asked me if I knew how to press a button to log in with Facebook, and it showed me a screenshot of the home screen of my phone. So I thought, ‘this app is worthless, that’s what my phone looks like now and I don’t have a virus,’ but I was dead wrong. The moment I opened my browser the next day, I got taken somewhere offering me a new phone, and I didn’t trust it so I closed my browser which actually closed my browser, and then my screen seemed to be sneezing. Like cascading droplets from the top to the bottom, non-stop for like an hour. I couldn’t get back in the browser and I couldn’t turn off the phone. Eventually it got really hot and died, and the company says they won’t replace my phone because the warranty doesn’t cover stupidity”

Sad news. Sad news indeed. Maybe one of the ten worst things which happened this week. Worse still, people who want to take action against LoonzLoonz are powerless to do so because not only is there no way to know what their phone would look like with a virus without getting one, but the small print, which no one read, explicitly said that by logging in to Facebook, the user gives LoonzLoonz express permission to infect the user’s phone or other device with a nasty and incurable virus.

Some victims have expressed a desire to change the laws in order to prevent such trickery, but after having to buy a new phone or computer, none of them have the money needed to buy changes in the legal code of the United States of America.

TotesReal Journalist Joins Huzzah News

Huzzah! The potentially greatest site ever, Huzzah News, has returned to the interwebs to due a supremely positive development, that development being the writer behind TotesRealNews arriving in the same prison which provides temporary inconvenience for Professor Huzzah.

This writer, who insists on maintaining anonymity, is not the author of this post unless I am not truly Professor Huzzah, but he shall be the writer of most subsequent posts. Perhaps all. His writing shall be great, and if it is not then he shall be fired which will result in immense boredom for this person who shall be here for a very long time.

The reason for his imprisonment is it turns out seeking out and contacting supernatural monsters for the sake of writing news articles is against the law, especially when contacting this monster resulted in multiple public figures, especially the president of the USA, being antagonized by this monster. He also impersonated this monster, the Babadook, when the Babadook proved to be out of reach, which is also illegal.

In summation, a writer who is even better at writing than the great Professor Huzzah is now here and writing for Huzzah News, and all should act festively and celebratory because of this development.

A huge hazzuh to those who don’t!

 

Festivus Miracle: Professor Huzzah Regains Posting Privileges

In a move resulting in immense sadness for Professor Huzzah’s multitudes of fans, the authority figures at the Professor’s current place of residence showed themselves to be horrible tyrants by temporarily forbidding the former educator from sharing his thoughts with the world. A hastily written post suggesting that one type of unwanted kiss on the cheek is not significantly worse than another was derided as “offensive” and “insensitive” and therefore considered grounds for suspension.

This suspension was not lifted until today.

HAZZUH TO THAT!

If you are ignorant and do not know the meaning of hazzuh, you should know it is huzzah spelled backwards and therefore as negative as huzzah is positive. This act of censorship caused much distress for someone who was already greatly inconvenienced, but due to the suspension this distress was impossible to express to the public for several excruciatingly long days.

The suspension was appealed on the grounds that offense was taken due to misunderstanding of the post, and the response to this was: “Oh, you’re misunderstood, are you? I bet next you’re going to tell us that you are not guilty.”

To tell the truth, which I generally do unless lying is more convenient or more fun, I am not guilty. I feel no guilt over what I have done, all of which was done in the pursuit of the worthy goal of obtaining massive power for myself. This would be good for everyone since I would be in charge of the United States of America rather than the lunatic who thinks that Nigerians who are able to afford to travel to the USA were not able to afford a home which is not a hut. Any regrets which I may have stem from my temporary failure at global conquest, not from any laws or moral rules which may have been broken during my efforts.

Also, even if my intent was to be disrespectful toward the rights of women, should that have been a shock? Should I be expected to be nice? I AM A BLOODY SUPERVILLAIN, NOT A SOCIAL WORKER, AND ANYONE WHO CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE DESERVES TO SUFFER AT THE MERCY OF ONE OF MY TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED DEVICES ONCE I AM ALLOWED TO USE ONE AGAIN! In case my shouted declaration wasn’t clear enough, I have also constructed a meme image demonstrating my feelings on sensitivity and similar complex emotions.

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According to the people whose job it is to keep an eye on my neighbors and me, I may be overly optimistic regarding my prospects for freedom, especially considering my predilection for professing villainous intent. This may be true, but in seemingly hopeless situations sometimes a bit of unfounded optimism is the only way to keep going.

Millions of Aunts and Grandmothers Going to Jail For Unwanted Kisses

Because it is now considered acceptable to accuse someone of sexual assault for nothing more than a kiss on the cheek without gaining explicit permission to do so, for the sake of legal consistency the United States will now send almost all of its aunts and grandmothers to jail for kissing their younger relatives on the cheek without these children giving true verbal consent beforehand.

Sometimes children say “okay, fine” when told by parents to let their aunts and grandmothers kiss them, but that is not true consent because of the power structures involved in which the child can get in trouble with his or her parents for refusing the affection of the older relative.

Of course, you could say that this argument is a poor argument because these grandmotherly kisses are not sexual in nature, BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG. Not about the kisses being sexual in nature, because they are not, but the argument is not a poor one because accusers these days appear unconcerned with whether the intent involved anything more than a slightly overenthusiastic display of affection, but whether the subjects of the affection were made to feel uncomfortable.

Unless one is an unabashed perpetrator of villainy then one should not strive to make others uncomfortable, so making others uncomfortable can be construed as problematic. However, it is highly inconsistent from a logical perspective to get all bent out of shape about crossing a line when two adults are involved and not being upset about this same line regarding cheek-kisses being crossed when the cheek being kissed belongs to a child. And these children are made uncomfortable by these kisses because if they were not then they would not try to avoid them.

Therefore, simple logic dictates that these millions of aunts and grandmothers have broken the law and should therefore be sent to jail.

Not just that they should be, but if this country makes any sense at all then they will be. And if the jails fill up and a certain incarcerated Professor needs to be freed because of this, then this is a small price to pay for making sure that renegade aunts and grandmothers are brought to justice.