Hamilton: A One Star Review

American, Bank, Banking, Banknote, Bill

 

I picture Lin-Manuel Miranda/Sitting in a swell veranda/sipping zinfandel with pandas/since he’s rich as hell and can ’cause/his recent ticket sales are ample

And the thought of his success fills me with a violent rage/since if I went to Richard Rodgers it would be a silent stage/because to afford the tickets I would need a higher wage

I hate that I’m unable to see the show that’s vaunted/It makes me feel like I’m a nematode – unwanted/And kinda makes me hope that the seats explode – of course when/It’s night and no one’s there, I’m no evil ogre monster

If I can’t see it, there’s no reason why I won’t assume/It is more appalling than Tommy Wiseau’s The Room

Yeah it’s awfulness is unparalleled/I hate it like teeth hate caramel/Other critics love, I don’t care, it smells/And should be under the sea like Ariel

It’s my blog and I can hate if I wanna/I bet Mr. Miranda once flayed an iguana/then tossed it in a cauldron, starting saying that blah blah/’Til the spell took effect and then Satan said “Mazel/Tov now you can be Broadway’s prima donna”

But he isn’t, he stays humble/which is more reason to grumble

And hate him and his production/Just ’cause millions have been sucked in/doesn’t mean you have to love it

Don’t get caught up in a fantasy/you can’t like what you cannot see

If I can’t see it odds are you can’t too/If I hate it, same should be true for you

So it’s just one star from me, although/This could change if I see the show

 

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Totally Scientific Study: Vaccines Are the Worst

Doctor, Pain, Vaccination, Shot, Arm

 

According to a totally scientifically valid study polling the members of a forum whose name has not been revealed for confidentiality reasons, vaccines are the absolute worst thing in the world. The favorability rating for vaccines, according to this study, is zero percent, or infinitely lower than the favorability rating among Hispanics for Donald Trump the presidential candidate.

According to one of the totally random individuals cited in this poll, vaccines are awful because of vaccine-related deaths. Before vaccines, absolutely no one died as a result of having dead or weak pathogens injected into their bodies, but since then allergic reactions to vaccine contents have killed people, possibly as many as a hundred people per year.

As this study was of the scientific variety, the pollster did not follow up with statistics about the millions of deaths which are likely avoided each year due to vaccinations, because science is about supporting desired results, not finding the truth.

According to another polled individual, also anonymous for confidentiality reasons, vaccines are the sole cause of autism. Before Edward Jenner invented the smallpox vaccine hundreds of years ago, autism was so nonexistent that there wasn’t even a name for it, and now it affects millions of people, which can’t be for any other reason except vaccines definitely cause autism.

A third person blames vaccines for the bullying he endured as a child. Specifically, if the neighborhood bully wasn’t vaccinated and therefore got polio and died, or at least lost his ability to walk, then the bully would not have been able to bully his victim.

When asked by a follow-up study whether they would take a mercury-free vaccine for gullibility-induced hysteria, most of the totally scientific study’s participants responded with a two-word phrase which cannot be printed in this publication.

 

Legendary Clickfish Captured

Fish, Mouth, Open, Large, Big

 

The Internet – The clickfish, a mythical yet totally real creature, was captured for the first time in recent memory Saturday morning.

While the Sasquatch in the Pacific Northwest and the Loch Ness Monster in Scotland may be more well-known, the clickfish of the waters near Silicon Valley is the only such creature to have actually been caught by humans.

The clickfish is relatively large, with its weight most commonly described as “you won’t believe how big it is”, and according to legend its eggs are the best eggs of all fish eggs which exist in the world. Caviar made with clickfish eggs would be the most expensive caviar in the world, not only because of its rarity but also because it would actually taste good. Unfortunately, the elusiveness of the clickfish meant there had been no such caviar for decades, and it appeared there never would be, but this all changed on Saturday morning when a team of fishermen who dedicated the past decade to attracting the thing succeeded in luring the fish into their net.

Besides its scarcity and size, the clickfish is also unique because of its telepathic mating call, in which the male sends messages to the female, making sensational claims about itself. Upon intercepting some of those messages within the San Francisco Bay and plugging them into Google Translate, marine biologists deduced that sending out translated sensationalist headlines from the internet would seduce female clickfish, drawing one near the fishing boat and then into the giant net.

The plan worked, leading to excitement among some of the top chefs in the country due to the possibility of clickfish caviar.

Unfortunately, before any eggs could be harvested, the clickfish escaped back into the bay.

What happened next will shock you. So this totally journalistically sound article won’t tell you what happened, because shocking people isn’t nice.

 

Totes Real Story: George Zimmerman Shoots Woman in North Carolina Bathroom

Wc, Toilet, Purely, Public Toilet

 

The Internet – According to a totally reliable source, George Zimmerman is in trouble again, and this time he might have to spend at least a day or two in jail.

Zimmerman went to North Carolina recently, where he purchased a new gun because some people will sell weapons to anyone. Then he volunteered to stand watch in women’s bathrooms to guard against potential predators, his gun concealed within his oversized pants, and they let him do it because reasons. He stood in the bathroom for hours without incident except for several women running out screaming, only to be told the suspicious-looking man was supposed to be there, and he was there to keep them safe.

The period of relative calm ended around 3:30 in the afternoon, when 23-year-old Abby Wells, who used to play basketball at a small college you probably never heard of, entered the restroom. She walked right past Zimmerman and then closed the stall door, where she proceeded to empty her bladder as Zimmerman failed to knock down the door. Then, as she made her way to the sink, arguably the most terrible George in American history confronted Ms. Wells, accusing her of being a dangerous transgender person.

According to the aforementioned reliable source, Ms. Wells assured Zimmerman she had always been a woman, not that it was any of his business, and the fact she was taller than him only really meant he was short. Then, when he continued to obstruct her movement, she shoved him out of the way, at which point he brandished his weapon, claiming the world would be much safer without people like Ms. Wells walking the streets. Then he shot her in the foot so she’d be unable to walk.

Zimmerman’s lawyers, according to the reliable and real informant, had almost given up, but then they realized they were in North Carolina so they’d probably win the case.

 

Totally Legit News Site Is Born

Stork, Baby, Child, Birth, Event, Spring

 

The Internet – Totesrealnews, a totally reliable news site, came into the world at approximately 2 p.m. EDT on Sunday, May 21 2016. Its parents, Mischief and Shenanigans, could not be reached for comment.

TotesRealNews’ birth size is one of near invisibility, but it is expected to grow at least a little bit, fueled and fed by totally honest news-pedding not dissimilar to the upstanding journalism which can be found all over your aunt’s Facebook feed. With levels of journalistic integrity which Horace Greeley could not criticize unless he is a ghost and has nothing better to do than hate on fledgling news sites, TotesRealNews will say things using words that are real words. Honest words. Because the words are real and honest, then the news articles put together using those words will be honest as well.

Of course they will be honest. The news is not only totes real, but it will be found on the internet, which makes it at least as reliable as most other news you can find on the internet. If, for whatever reason, you believe the contents of TotesRealNews articles to be less then reliable, then you should definitely not forward these complaints to the complaints department because there is none and will be none. Instead, it is recommended for you to tell as many people as possible about this failure to purvey accurate information, making sure to provide links to the offending articles in social media posts, blog articles, and wherever else you deem appropriate.

There should be no need to complain, however, as TotesRealNews is totes real.

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.