Jeff Sessions High On Marijuana-Fighting Possibilities

Jeff Sessions, the Attorney General of the United States who has not even acknowledged requests to free the great Professor Huzzah from his not-so-great temporary residence, does not like marijuana.

He might feel this way because he is too broken inside to enjoy its effects. He also might think putting marijuana users in jail means it will be less likely that he’ll see someone on the street who he considers scary-looking. Maybe he’s being paid big bucks by Big Sobriety, which may or may not be a thing, but if it is a thing then it is definitely sending money to Jeff Sessions. Whatever the reason is, Attorney General Sessions appears to be quite excited about the likely omission of something called the Rorhabacher-Blumenauer Amendment from the upcoming budget legislation, and the reason why he’s excited is that keeping this long-named amendment out of the bill means he can make it much more difficult to sell and use marijuana legally.

This is rather stupid on Mr. Sessions’s part.

If he had any sense, WHICH HE OBVIOUSLY DOES NOT, he would not only support the legalization of marijuana but make its use mandatory in certain cases. Especially in the case of FBI agents.

Because although he might think he’s safe from investigation, the Mueller team is coming after him for his suspicious connections to Russia. Saying he doesn’t recall is rather unlikely to help. I know this from personal experience. When I was arrested a few years ago for trying to make a better life for myself, I told the judge and jury I didn’t remember unleashing illness and oranges upon the people before kidnapping a bunch of them. It hurt my pride immensely to feign stupidity, but it was the best chance I had, although with all the evidence against me it was not a good chance. If any incriminating evidence against Jeff Sessions exists, it will not be a good chance for him either.

The only chance he has is if he makes sure the people investigating the Trump Administration are high all the time. Then, even if they get close to figuring out solid proof of collusion, they will surely become distracted contemplating the meaning of life or the meaning of the mysterious discoloration in the carpet, which means they won’t get around to a conclusion meaning a lifetime of imprisonment for Jefferson Beauregard Sessions.

Since he is not thinking of that, and is thinking instead of trying to hurt people who are unlikely to hurt him, there will be very few huzzahs in Jeff Sessions’s future.

Except for when he says “I apologize, Professor Huzzah. I should have acknowledged your existence and listened to your advice.”

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Brilliant Professor Takes Over News Site

The great Professor Huzzah, who is the most brilliant scientist in the world according to all people who are not wrong, has recently acquired the news site formerly known as TotesRealNews and will be making it even better.

He will be making it so great that it will be by far the greatest news site not only on the internet, but in the universe. HUZZAH FOR GREATNESS!

The previous owner of the site, who shall remain anonymous out of respect for the missing and because this person never revealed their name to Professor Huzzah, has taken an indefinite leave of absence due to a misguided attempt to contact the nightmarish monster the Babadook, and such monsters should never be contacted as the only way to emotionally survive such an encounter is being insane already. Even then it is foolish, and therefore HuzzahNews shall make no efforts to contact the Babadook and ask it to recall whatever it said to Donald Trump a year ago.

While this site will be made so much better than it was before due to its new ownership, all previous articles shall remain on the site. If a reader cannot remember that any articles written before December the Seventeenth of 2017 was created by previous ownership, THAT IS DUE TO THEIR OWN STUPIDITY AND NOT THE RESPONSIBILITY OF PROFESSOR HUZZAH OR HUZZAHNEWS! Besides, there is no need to delete these articles which follow the main governing principle of HuzzahNews, which is to share the news in a way which makes this site different from all other sites, often by reporting on events that the so-called real news media isn’t even aware of.

HUZZAH FOR NEW OWNERSHIP! HUZZAH FOR A NEW PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD…of internet journalism.

 

 

NY Giants, NY Mets Agree to Swap Rosters

American Football, Rhino, Sports
Both the Giants and Mets are not represented by the rhinoceros

Citing strong dissatisfaction with the direction of their teams, management for both the New York Giants and the New York Mets decided to make radical changes to their respective teams by taking each other’s players. Most of the Giants have little to no experience playing baseball at a high level, and the Mets have very little experience with NFL-caliber football, but the old strategy wasn’t working so they are trying something else.

The Mets, who not long ago had one of the best pitching staffs in baseball, are expected to have an abysmal starting rotation. Eli Manning is the best bet to notch a quality start, with about 50:1 odds to make it through six innings without giving up more than three runs. A fastball unlikely to crack 80 MPH and zero ability to throw breaking pitches won’t strike fear into the hearts of opposing teams, but he’ll find the strike zone much more often than he found the end zone, and if his teammates learn to play decent defense then he might be able to keep his ERA under 20.00. The rest of the rotation is unclear, although maybe Geno Smith will get a shot, and the guy who kicks the field goals might pitch because he has shown some sort of eye-limb coordination. And since none of them are expected to throw very hard, maybe they can each pitch every three games without getting too tired or injured.

As for offense, well, there is a lot of physical strength on the team. So with a bit of training, and a bit more training, and a good deal of luck regarding some of them having the innate talent which allows them to hit major league pitching once in a while, they should eventually start scoring runs. If the run-scoring comes at the same time as a strong pitching performance allowing less than ten runs in a game, these new New York Mets might win a game over the course of the season. Maybe even more than one.

Probably not more than ten. Definitely not more than fifty. This team is likely to be the worst Mets team in the history of the Mets, making 1962 look like 2015 or even 1986. For those readers who do not know what those years mean, the point is these new Mets are not the same as the old Mets because they will be much worse. But management decided that any change was better than sticking with what they had, so this is what they have now.

As for the new NY Giants, if they could clone Noah Syndergaard and have him play every position then this might be a playoff-caliber team. However, since this is reality and not The Land of Unrealistic Hypothetical Scenarios, they will have to make do with different players at each position. Syndergaard can be tight end, with the steady arm of Jacob DeGrom at quarterback. Cespedes can be running back until his hamstring breaks again, and then Tim Tebow can get a chance at that position. Tebow certainly isn’t going to play quarterback again. The wide receivers can be whoever, since they’re not going to be thrown to anyway. It’ll just be Degrom handing the ball off or throwing it to Syndergaard/the other team every play. Matt Harvey can be the kicker—that way he can protect his fragile arm and shoulder, and it’s not like they’ll be in field goal range very often. David Wright will do the same nothing as he usually does.

As for defense—it will be bad. Maybe the Giants will put some of the stronger players on both sides of the ball, but none of them will be especially good. Opposing offenses, even terrible ones, will cause major problems for this defense, and the drastic changes made to the team won’t make it better suited to tackle its problems. With the new defensive linemen giving up about 100 pounds to opposing offensive lines, the Giants’ enemies will be able to embarrass them thoroughly as long as these Giants have any pride left.

It could be tempting to switch the teams back again, but what’s done is done so there’s no way to turn back now. The only thing to do is give them a chance to disprove the haters and doubters, of which there are many. If they are still dysfunctional by 2020, then there will be an opportunity to fill roster spots with players who are qualified for the position.

At least, this will be possible if the Mets and Giants still exist when 2020 comes around.

Mitch McConnell Dumped by Turtle Society

Turtle, Tortoise, Animal, Cartoon, Zoo
No matter what he looks like, Mitch McConnell is not a turtle anymore

The Turtle Appreciation Association sent shock waves through the world of turtle fandom this morning by stripping Senator Mitch McConnell of his “honorary turtle” status after a mere four hours of deliberation.

The Turtle Appreciation Association is one of the largest turtle fan clubs in the world, and is notable for its appreciation not only of real-life turtles, but fictional turtles and humans with turtle-like attributes. According to the association’s website, its official favorite Dr. Seuss book is Yertle the Turtle. The TAA does not care for Charlie Bucket or Matilda, instead stocking its bookshelves with several copies of Esio Trot. The office is decorated not only with dozens of figurines and posters from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise, but also with prints of works by the artists the Turtles were named after. The official favorite singer of the TAA is Howard Kaylan, the favorite Civil War general is George McClellan, and the favorite politician was Mitch McConnell.

Not anymore.

Mr. McConnell has been officially declared a non-turtle, and all pictures of the senator which had been in the possession of the TAA have been incinerated, burned to virtual nothingness like the financial security of millions of Americans negatively impacted by the recent tax bill. The “Rules of Turtle Club” now contain instructions not to talk about Mitch McConnell, as he is too much of a disgrace to turtledom for his name to even be mentioned.

Kenneth “Hardshell” Bennett, official spokesperson for the TAA, released a short statement explaining why Senator McConnell has been de-turtled.

For a long time, Senator Mitch McConnell had been a source of pride for turtle-lovers everywhere. Granted, we often disagreed with his politics, but any disagreements were overshadowed by the fact that he, as a human turtle, had been able to ascend to a position of great power and influence. He showed that turtles could not only outlast rabbits, but they could successfully battle with lions. However, his recent actions regarding the tax reform bill, in which he rushed the legislation through the Senate so quickly that most legislators hardly had any chance to read it and figure out what they were voting on, was unforgivably dissimilar to how a turtle should behave. Coupled with the fact that this legislation could make it more difficult for most prospective turtle owners to purchase and care for domesticated turtles and will most likely slash funding for preserving the environments of wild turtles, extreme action must be taken. Therefore, by the power invested in me by the Great God Om who is a turtle and also a god in Discworld—this is a real thing you can Google it—I hereby strip Senator Mitch McConnell of his turtlehood, now and forever. This matter is final, and shall not be spoken of again.

Mitch McConnell did not respond to requests for comment on the matter, and likely would not have responded even if such requests were made. He was not contacted because there is no need to listen to excuses for the inexcusable.

Trump Denies Having Ever Been President

In a stunning statement this morning, one far too shocking for any other news source to even cover it, Donald Trump proclaimed that no matter what evidence Robert Mueller finds against him, this cannot be used to impeach him because Donald Trump is not, and never has been, the President of the United States of America.

This confession came in a Tweet which was posted about 10:30 this morning, although it says much later because TotesRealNews was using European Twitter for a little while for top-secret reasons. This is an unusual time for a Trump Tweet but this was an unusual tweet. Other news outlets did not dare to reproduce this before it got deleted, but we did, so here it is:

Your Donald J. Trump Fake Tweet - I am not President. The so-called "Trump Presidency" was all a big illusion by Crooked Hillary and the Fake News Media to blame me for everything while they ruined the country. They even pretended I have bad grammar when I have the best grammar.

 

As is clear by the totally real screenshot above, it was retweeted by over 56,000 people before finally being deleted a short time later, but the fake news media alluded to above will never share in the memory of these 56,007 people, some of whom might even be humans rather than bots specifically created to like and retweet things like this.

The fake news media will also never share the follow-up tweet, but we will:

Your Donald J. Trump Fake Tweet - Everyone still insisting I am President. Sad! One would have to be super-crazy to try to be President w/o any political experience or understanding of how government works, and in spite of the haters I am not crazy. I have the best sanity!

 

And then Barack Obama responded:

Your Barack Obama Fake Tweet - As much as I would like to not get involved in this nonsense, it must be said that this claim of Donald Trump never being president is nonsense. Donald, as much as we all wish you were not president, you are. For now, at least.

With such shots fired, more shots soon followed:

Your Donald J. Trump Fake Tweet - Fake American Obama thinks I'm the president. Wrong! Crooked Hillary colluded with Russia to make it seem like she lost so the Clinton News Network could show my body and voice instead of hers while she said and did the worst things a president ever did and blame it on me!

And then this:

Your Hillary Clinton Fake Tweet - @realDonaldTrump I am president? Hahahahahaha! Unlike you, who still won't reveal tax returns, that's rich. As president, I would seek common-sense solutions for all Americans instead of blustering to distract from Trumped-Up trickle down economics in your disaster of a tax bill.

Mr. Trump did not respond to this tweet, probably because his handlers read his previous tweets and took his phone away again.

But the Babadook responded several hours later, with the only tweet in this exchange which can still be found on Twitter:

 

TotesRealnews Staff Escapes After Month Trapped Underground

Cave, Gallery, Subterranean, Stones
Just before escape. Too dangerous for pictures earlier.

 

The entire journalistic staff of TotesRealNews had been missing in action for the past month, and while they had been missing they had also been in plenty of action due to the effort required to escape from the massive underground dungeon in which they had been imprisoned.

The reason for this dungeon’s existence remains unknown, as the intrepid journalists found themselves so busy struggling to survive and eventually escape that there was no time for inquiries regarding who was in charge and why those in power would create such a hazardous place deep in the bowels of the section of the Earth’s crust which isn’t especially far below sea level. The caverns extended approximately three hundred feet below the surface, although exact measurements were difficult to ascertain without the proper instruments.

In addition to not being able to ask much due to being otherwise preoccupied, the staff of TotesRealNews could not ask much of those nearby due to the hostile nature of the apparent natives. The first of these natives to appear reminded the TotesRealStaff of Morlocks, and also warlocks, so the temporarily inconvenienced reporters and other TotesRealNewspeople called them morwocks when not running away screaming. And there was a lot of running away screaming because although the ability to report on news which no one else can find may seem magical at times, TotesRealReporters are not actual wizards so the morwocks were able to cast spells at will. For the most part, their magic made victims hungry, and all the food available was liver and onions and terrible bread.

This food was so terrible that the TotesRealStaff believed it was worse than any news which could be going on in the outside world.

After what seemed to be somewhere between a week and eternity, and possibly both at the same time, the morwocks stayed below as the TotesRealJournalists faced a variety of subterranean swamp monsters. These were not former Goldman Sachs employees or ostensible human beings who have been in Congress forever, but slimy beasts in a mucky swamp. Sticks suspiciously situated at the edge on the swamp were used to poke the monsters and avoid becoming TotesRealCorpses, but the sticks provided enough time to survive, not enough time to escape.

Escape finally happened when one editor hugged one of the monsters out of desperation, and then the monster slumped into the swamp and disappeared. This lead the rest of the TotesRealStaff to hug monsters, which was unpleasant and at least a little bit traumatic, but it worked and then it became possible to move closer to the surface.

The other challenges were even more difficult, so terrible as to be unprintable, but they happened. Several staff members had to be hospitalized afterwards, thus further delaying the publication of the uniquely true articles which TotesRealNews creates, and it could have been much worse.

As it happened, and it totally happened, the staff of TotesRealNews staff was out of commission for a month because of unlikely and unexplainable circumstances, and not because of one person being a combination of lazy and too overwhelmed by the news cycle to try to write about it.

 

Citing Demogorgon Invasion, Trump Declares National Emergency

Donald Trump recently made a speech advising all Americans to stay safely indoors for the foreseeable future due to the risk posed by demogorgons from the Upside-Down.

Demogorgons are monsters which have been observed multiple times on camera, and this footage has been seen by millions of people. Their extreme quickness and seemingly limitless hunger is reminiscent of the velociraptors from Jurassic Park, but unlike velociraptors the demogorgons are not confined to an island off the coast of Central America. They have been spotted in the mainland United States, in a small town called Hawkins, Indiana, and once a life-threatening menace hits Middle America it has the potential to spread across the entire country.

Recognizing this threat and vowing to keep it under control, President Trump gave a brief speech warning all Americans to take extreme caution until the demogorgons have been destroyed, as well as outlining a plan of action to get rid of the demogorgons. While the mainstream media did not air this speech due to its refusal to recognize demogorgons as a legitimate threat, TotesRealNews was there and recorded what Mr. Trump said. The text of the speech is reproduced below:

I have come to speak to you about a very real danger, and this danger is called demogorgons. The fake news media won’t talk to you about them because they would rather try to take me down with nonsense about Russia, but these demogorgons are bad news. I saw them on TV, and believe me, they are worse than Mexicans. None of these demogorgons are very good people, or even people, I can tell you that.

They are so bad that you all should stay somewhere safe until these demogorgons have been dealt with. I know some of you will be disappointed about missing Halloween, but you would not even be able to enjoy Halloween with these demogorgons around. They will eat all your candy, and then they will eat you. Maybe they eat you first. Who knows? But what I do know is how important it is to take action now, and so I have a plan. It is a very good plan, quite possibly the best plan, and I will tell you about it now.

The first thing we are going to do is build a wall. We will build a very big wall, and a very strong wall, and we will build it around Hawkins, Indiana so the demogorgons can’t get out. Hawkins will pay for it, and if they don’t then we will find a way to get this wall built since it is such an important wall. When this is all over then maybe we will pick this wall up and bring it to the border with Mexico, but right now we are going to focus on building this wall to keep us safe from demogorgons.

The other thing we are going to do is conduct a lot of very quick research on the best way to defeat demogorgons. That means all investigations about Russia or whatever else have to be suspended immediately to focus on the real danger, which is demogorgons. Seriously, they will eat you. Even if Russia and my campaign did anything wrong, which I assure you they didn’t, we would never eat you. Trump Tower taco bowls taste so much better.

Once again, do not go outside, but if you must go outside then visit Donald J. Trump dot com, where you will be able to purchase demogorgon survival kits as long as they haven’t been removed by hackers. Only two hundred dollars, plus shipping and handling.

At press time, no formal plans have been made to build a wall in Indiana, but ISIS has claimed responsibility for the demogorgons. And hackers had apparently visited Donald Trump’s online store, removing one item from the website.