Trump Blames Popular Music for Situation in Puerto Rico

Donald Trump, who is still the President of the United States of America, gave a speech this morning explaining why popular musicians, and not Donald Trump, are to blame for the crisis in Puerto Rico in the wake of Hurricane Maria. He gave this speech not to the general public, but to a small group of real news reporters, none of whom were allowed to bring writing utensils or audio recording devices. This was a problem for the other reporters in attendance, but not for the TotesRealJournalist in attendance who used perfect recall to reproduce the speech below.

 

The liberal fake news media is trying to tell everyone that the terrible situation in Puerto Rico is my fault, but they are wrong. Nothing is my fault, so I’m not responsible for this. What the media isn’t telling you is how popular music made this happen, and since they won’t tell you, I will.

One of these songs which hurt Puerto Rico is one called Believer by a group called Imagine Dragons. First of all, what kind of name is Imagine Dragons? I mean, I always go to bed with a clear conscience to get my three hours of sleep, and now they want me to think about dragons flying around with fiery breath and burning all my money? I wouldn’t sleep at all and then I’d be really cranky and no one would like that, believe me. But anyway, this song Believer, and I’ve been saying I’m a believer in religious stuff for about two years now, talks about how pain and suffering made the guy singing the song a stronger person. So is it really that unreasonable for me to believe, after listening to that song, that letting the people of Puerto Rico suffer would be good for them?

Of course it isn’t, because I am always reasonable. Moving on.

Another one is the new song by Taylor Swift. Who is great. If I wasn’t so busy doing president stuff I’d probably be dating her, and then she’d make the most beautiful song after I broke up with her. But anyway, her song is all about being made to do something, and it’s not good that she did this thing. Meanwhile, Democrats and other people kept trying to get me to lift shipping restrictions to get things to Puerto Rico since the Puerto Ricans are apparently too lazy to get those things themselves, and these people almost made me take action sooner but I listened to this song for inspiration to not let them make me do anything. Couldn’t hold out forever, but thanks to this song I held out a really long time and am still not doing enough.

There’s also this song called Bodak Yellow, it’s one of those rap music songs, and it is really popular right now so of course I know what it is. Bodak, of course, is a country in Africa which is having a really tough time because of yellow fever, and I haven’t been able to help them because the fake news media keeps fighting with me and telling me Bodak is not a country, which would be even sadder if the song didn’t tell me not to help anyone. The rap lyrics in this rap song are about having a lot of money and a lot of nice things and not wanting to do anything nice for anyone else, which as everyone knows is not the way I usually act even though I am very rich, but this is the most popular song in the country right now so obviously this is how people want me to act, so I have been using it as inspiration to not help Bodak or Puerto Rico.

But there is no song which did more to help me make my decision to not do very much than the one called Despacito. Despacito is a Spanish word which means slowly. Slowly is an adverb, and when you are doing something slowly you are being slow with your action. Slow is a four letter word which means the opposite of fast. And in this song they keep saying to do things slowly, and this is a song which comes from Puerto Rico which is an island in the middle of the Caribbean Ocean, so that means in Puerto Rico they want things done slowly. And then I give them hurricane relief slowly and they complain. Do they even know what they want? Who knows. But I don’t have any advisors worth listening to so I do what the songs tell me to do.

Sometimes the advice from the songs turn out to be maybe not the best advice, so Puerto Rico is a disaster right now and the songs made it worse.

Sorry.

But really not sorry.

Wow.

That might have been more ridiculous than Trump’s comments about Puerto Rico which were published on Twitter and the mainstream media. Not definitively so, but maybe.

Looks like it will be up to the American people to help their fellow Americans in Puerto Rico, even through the proposed tax plan is likely to make it increasingly difficult for all but the super-wealthy to be able to afford to make a donation.

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Monarch Facing Criticism for Dragon-Focused Agenda

King Veritas, the previously beloved monarch of the real nation of Farmtopia, is facing vicious attacks from the Farmtopian media for neglecting other aspects of government in order to focus on the dragon which has been ravaging the countryside.

While some criticism is the mildly constructive variety, other media outlets are outright demanding the overthrow of King Veritas. This includes the Farmtopia Furor, whose editor Ragey McAngerson wrote this in the op-ed section:

Down with Veritas! We have no room for Veritas in this country anymore, not with the one-sided policy he’s been pushing of late. He cares not for the people, and therefore he cares not for the nation. He has mentioned no plans for boosting the economy in recent weeks, or for educational reform, or even to build an affordable hospital so this poor journalist can deal with the sneezing fits which ruined the first draft of this essay.

No, he is not concerned with such pressing issues at all. All he cares about is the dragon. Veritas, and Parliament as well, just keep yapping on all day about burned crops and terrified villagers without an ounce of thought about how to get more money for the non-burned crops in foreign trade, or even how to deal with the emotional health issues which a lot of the peasants have all of a sudden for some reason. It’s just all dragon, all the time, and one can’t help but wonder if Veritas would have anything to say at all if it weren’t for the dragon.

Maybe the dragon should be king instead of Veritas. Sure, its only plans right now seem to be burning the countryside which is full of thatched-roofed cottages due to Veritas’ lax attitude on housing improvements, and taking young women out of their homes, but perhaps if we gave the dragon a real chance for four to eight years and listened what he had to say then he would prove himself to be a great and worthy leader.

Veritas had his chance to prove himself, and Veritas has failed.

When reached for comment about this editorial, not-yet-deposed King Veritas shouted “Stop talking to me! Don’t you see it? Stop writing things down and grab a weapon and kill it! I’d do it myself, but I’m the King, and we can’t have kings getting themselves killed by dragons, can we? But no big loss if the media does it.”

This shouting most likely took place because King Veritas does not understand technology and thought the phone call was shouting from another room. Very little is understood about technology in Farmtopia, which is a real country being attacked by a real dragon and totally not a metaphor for current events.

Real Article About Donald Trump’s Accomplishments As President

Beach, Sea, Reefs, Sand, Great Britain
This wall is so great, I can tell you that. It keeps all the sea monsters from coming onto the land, and mother nature paid for it.

Donald Trump recently complained on Twitter about the fake news media not talking about his accomplishments as president, but luckily for him TotesRealNews is real news. Therefore, unlike award-winning fake news organizations which seem more concerned with his problems than his achievements, TotesRealNews can and will report about some of the high points of the first two hundred days of President Trump.

The Gorsuch Confirmation

When Donald Trump became president, there was a vacancy on the Supreme Court. Antonin Scalia died suddenly on a hunting trip about a year earlier, and Barack Obama could not replace him. According to sources, this was Obama’s fault because he was incapable of not being hated by the Republican-controlled Congress and therefore this legislative body refused to permit confirmation hearings for Obama’s nominee. So Merrick Garland, an impeccably qualified and ideologically moderate federal judge, could not get onto the court and it was totally Obama’s fault, and then Obama didn’t even bother to appoint another potential Supreme Court Justice for Congress to reject.

After about a year of nothing happening on the Supreme Court front, Donald Trump became president and was elected as a Republican so the Republican-controlled Congress didn’t insist on blocking anyone he nominated. Then Donald Trump could have not bothered to nominate anyone, as has been the case with other vacant government positions. He also could have nominated himself, or Ivanka, or Ted Nugent, but he listened to advice and picked an actual judge with reasonable qualifications although maybe not such reasonable political views. After the nomination was made, Mitch McConnell saw that Donald Trump is not Obama and therefore allowed confirmation hearings for Neil Gorsuch, who was confirmed by a totally overwhelming mandate of 54% of the Senate.

This was one of President Trump’s greatest achievements, but he had others.

Has Not Wrecked Economy Yet

In the first 200 days of Donald Trump’s presidency, the stock market has continued to rise and employment numbers have gone up as well.This has not resulted in an across-the-board increase in wages, and at least one governor is trying to lower the minimum wage without any objection from Donald Trump, but rising Dow Jones and employment numbers are a positive development. Granted, the economy tends to change slowly and these numbers are believed by those who understand economics to be the result of policies enacted by the Obama Administration, but Donald Trump still managed not to ruin everything yet, which is something.

Trump, with the help of a complicit Congress, possibly could have gotten a law passed raising corporate taxes to 100% for any company which contributed to any campaign for a Democratic candidate. That would have crashed the economy quickly, but he didn’t do that. He also didn’t fire Steven Mnuchin as Treasury Secretary and replace him with Lindsay Lohan. Nor did he send out a series of tweets praising Russia’s communist tradition and promising harsh penalties for any company daring to make a quarterly profit of more than one percent.

Due to Donald Trump not totally destroying Obama’s economic momentum, the economy is not currently a total disaster, so that’s somewhat of an accomplishment.

Cracking Down on Gangs and Terrorists

The fake news media might assert that all recent presidents have done this, and maybe they are technically telling the truth, but Donald Trump talks about it more which means he’s doing a better job at it. The critics and the haters, of which there are many, worry that the heavy-handed anti-terrorism strikes might actually be a powerful recruiting tool for the terrorists, and they also show concern that the MS-13 hullabaloo is more about xenophobia than safety, but even if they are correct, Donald Trump is still promising action and taking it.

So there.

The Trump Administration is doing something which at least on the surface is a successful initiative. That should hush the critics who say Trump has done absolutely nothing in almost seven months, but even if it does not, the critics should be aware that there are even more accomplishments.

Deporting a Bunch of People

The deportation numbers might be even stronger than the employment numbers. And deportation helps unemployment as well, because it is impossible to be unemployed in the United States when you’ve been deported from the United States. The ICE, with help from volunteer services by right-wing activists, has helped kick lots and lots of people out of the country. Some of those kicked out have been actual criminals, and others have done nothing wrong except failing to have the proper paperwork.

Paperwork is important. Unless you are the President and your nosy enemies are insisting upon looking at your tax returns, producing paperwork is an essential aspect to being a law-abiding resident of this country. Therefore, according to this totally sound logic, those who claim to be victims of bureaucratic dysfunction or exorbitant filing fees are actually just victims of their own failure to file paperwork and the deportation of such people is an important accomplishment which Donald Trump is totally justified in being proud of.

The related goal of building a wall to keep illegal immigrants out hasn’t quite gone as planned, but no one is perfect, right? And while imperfect, Donald Trump has moved closer to this ideal with the next, less publicized, accomplishment.

Not Posting Game of Thrones Spoilers

There have been leaks all over the internet regarding plot points of the popular television series Game of Thrones, but none of these leaks have come from Donald Trump. In the tens of thousands of social media posts which Mr. Trump has unleashed upon the internet, it is believed that zero of them include any sort of spoilers about Game of Thrones. If all your Game of Thrones knowledge came from Donald Trump’s social media posts, you might believe that Jon Arryn is still alive and well, or at least as well as an old man can be with the lack of advanced health care services available in Westeros, except you might not have any idea who Jon Arryn was because you would know nothing about Game of Thrones.

While Donald Trump may have spoiled a lot of things, the first and foremost being November 9th for the majority of American voters, he has not spoiled Game of Thrones for anybody, and for that he should be commended. This might have been his greatest accomplishment if not for the next one:

Ridding the World of the Unicorn Menace

While Donald Trump Jr. has gotten most of the press for his hunting exploits, Donald Trump Sr. is actually the more accomplished hunter. If words on the internet are to be believed, President Trump’s hunting may have actually saved the world. Because he killed all the unicorns.

The doubters and the cynics might say there are no unicorns, and they’re correct now, but only because of the heroics of Donald Trump. It is a little-known fact that the woods within the Mar-a-Lago golf course contained unicorns, and those unicorns were getting stronger and more numerous by the year. According to unicorn experts, they would have been strong enough to leave the woods and challenge humans for American supremacy by 2020. Which is why Donald Trump had to kill them. For the sake of the people.

Since most people are not unicorn experts, most people do not know how difficult it is to kill a unicorn. Unicorns have extremely durable skin which cannot be damaged by gunfire or regular fire or basically anything else which humans use to kill each other. The only thing which kills a unicorn is a noogie from a world leader. The display of power literally kills them. This is a 100% effective strategy, but it had never been tried before. Donald Trump just knew how to kill unicorns by using the very good brain of his and by consulting unicorn experts, and this knowledge was why he bought the land which became Mar-a-Lago, and the true reason why he absolutely had to become president, even if he had to collude with Russia to win the electoral vote.

Once he became president, Trump’s true work was at the “Winter White House,” and this is the reason for his myriad golfing trips there. His golfing partners would be sworn to secrecy every time Donald Trump hit a ball near the woods, because after that happened Donald Trump would pick up the ball and walk into the woods alone, which is unconventional golf play even by Trump standards. Then the president would search for a solitary unicorn, since the plan would be extraordinarily dangerous if multiple unicorns were present, and then he would immobilize the unicorn temporarily by throwing the golf ball at its horn. If the ball missed, Trump would scurry out of there and claim he lost the ball, but if it made contact then the unicorn would be paralyzed for about a minute, giving Donald Trump ample time to administer the noogie and recover the ball and carry the ball back to the fairway, because anyone who just killed a dangerous horned beast deserves a decent lie.

Mr. Trump did this dozens of times throughout the first 200 days of his presidency, until all the unicorns of Mar-a-Lago, and therefore all the unicorns of the world, had been eradicated. It was hard work, but it had to be done, and Donald Trump was the only man who could do it. He could not admit to doing this, because the American people are not yet ready for their president to admit to killing unicorns, but what was done has still been done.

Even if Donald Trump doesn’t accomplish anything else in his remaining time in office, the unicorn slaying alone makes him one of the most heroic presidents of all time.

TotesReallyHeroic.

 

Nothing Happened Recently

There have been no articles published on TotesRealNews in the past few weeks because nothing newsworthy has happened. Fake news organizations such as the Associated Press might disagree, but this is why they are fake news. If they were really news, they would know nothing newsworthy has been going on.

Alleged journalists made a big deal of Anthony Scaramucci’s brief stint as White House communications director, but real journalists know it was no big deal. Rookies get signed to ten-day contracts all the time, and often the contract doesn’t get renewed. Mr. Scaramucci didn’t perform up to high-level professional standards, so he was probably sent back down to the developmental league to improve his self-control. Maybe if he learns how to refrain from committing several fouls over the course of a few minutes, he’ll get another chance, but if not then he’s just another one of many hopefuls who couldn’t succeed in such a competitive and high-pressure environment. He wasn’t the first, and he will not be the last, and reporting on such things will distract from real news if any real news ever happens again.

Real news also didn’t happen when the Affordable Care Act didn’t get repealed, and the AHCA also failed to pass. This is not things happening, this is things not happening. And things don’t happen even more often than communications directors lose their jobs in less than two weeks. No one makes a big deal about when Congress doesn’t pass a bill outlawing frogs, or when it doesn’t appropriate two billion dollars to research why DJ Khaled is so successful, so they shouldn’t make a big deal about the non-success of a bill which aimed to cut taxes by taking health insurance away from tens of millions of people. Besides, according to noted policy expert Donald Trump, Congress can keep trying to replace Obamacare indefinitely.

There has also been much attention paid to the so-called collusion scandal by fake news outfits such as the New York Times, but real journalists know that this investigation is a nothing burger. A nothing burger is a perfectly valid metaphor in which an insubstantial rumor is physically represented by a bun with nothing in it. Not air, but nothing. A vacuum. An absence of matter which will destroy everything it touches, except for the bun.

The bun, in this metaphor, is Donald Trump. He is white bread,  very seedy, much less substantial than he appears, and his name has become synonymous with multiple slang terms for the buttocks. While some might be surprised that Donald Trump would be part of the nothing burger when the nothing burger seems determined to destroy him, this should not be surprising. Donald Trump has been involved with things that should have destroyed him for years, and especially frequently since he started his presidential campaign, and nothing bad has happened to him.

The latter nothing, the nothing which happened to Donald Trump, is an even more nothing-y nothing than the nothing which has happened in the news recently.

 

 

Trump Demands Tropical Storm Don be Renamed Hurricane Donald

A new storm called Don recently arrived in the Caribbean Sea, and Donald Trump immediately called a press conference to discuss this new development instead of talking about the health care bill or his approval ratings. The president spoke for several minutes, explaining why he felt this storm should be classified as a hurricane as well as why it should lengthen its name.

The entire speech is reproduced here:

 

You might have heard about the big news from today, the new storm forming in the Caribbean Sea. Great sea, the Caribbean. Beautiful beaches, beautiful people. Many people were telling me it’s such a great place that I should have built many hotels there, but I had to tell them no because my hotels are always huge and it’s not a good idea to build towers when they have yuuuge windy storms there all the time.

As you know, one of those storms started there today, and people are calling it Don. Listen, people. Let’s call it what it is. It’s Donald. Don is short for Donald. I mean, it’s not Donatello. No one’s named that anymore, and that’s a turtle name. Turtles are slow. No one is going to be worried about winds going two, three miles an hour. That hardly even affects my golf game, which let me tell you is getting much better. It’s not Adonis either. It’s Donald. That’s its name. Deal with it.

Now Hurricane Donald, and it is Hurricane Donald and not this wimpy Tropical Storm Don, is really windy. Donalds in general are very windy. So full of wind. Wind coming from everywhere. It’s a breath of fresh air, and then a breath of not-so-fresh air, but we don’t have to talk about that second part, do we? We do not. We are talking about all the wind blown by Donalds, and this new hurricane is definitely a Donald, and because it is a Donald there will be so much wind. It will be gusting bigly.

It will be powerful too. So powerful. Powerful and destructive. Donalds destroy everything they touch, and this storm will be no exception. Businesses, marriages, public respect for family members…this hurricane is going to destroy all of them because it will be so strong. The strongest. Other hurricanes, which are the only family this hurricane has, will be ashamed of how weak they are next to Hurricane Donald. It’ll be amazing, really.

This will be the greatest hurricane of all time. So much more wind and rain than the others, especially Hurricane Hilary, which was a nasty storm. Such a nasty storm, but my storm is going to be bigger. And this is not just because it is Hurricane Donald. There are other reasons, but they have to stay secret because if the hurricane hears too much it will know about my plan to defeat it and that will make the battle much more difficult than it needs to be.

But I will defeat this hurricane, that I can tell you. No storm can stand against me because I am the windiest, most destructive Donald of them all.

Immediately following this speech, Sarah Huckabee Sanders declared that she needed to look for Sean Spicer and then she quickly disappeared from view.

100% True Spoilers From This Week’s Game of Thrones

Millions of people will be tuning in to HBO tonight to watch the season premiere of Game of Thrones, this being the seventh season of the epic fantasy series. And since the show has caught up to the books in terms of narrative, it is especially difficult to predict what happens next. The suspense could be overwhelming, and in order to potentially lessen dangerous feelings of plot-related anxiety, Totes Real News has obtained five important plot elements of the season premiere and these spoilers are now on the internet for everyone to read.

Tyrion Lannister Grows About a Foot Taller

It tuns out that while Tyrion was biologically destined to be short, he wasn’t supposed to be that short. Tywin’s abuse of his son, stemming from resentment over Tyrion’s mother’s death, was more extensive than even Tyrion had realized. Every time Tywin saw Tyrion sleeping alone as a teenager, Tywin applied an ointment to Tyrion’s skin. This ointment became invisible within minutes, but had long-lasting effects on Tyrion, with the primary result being stunting Tyrion’s growth. Tyrion eventually learned about the ointment from Jaime, and during a lull in events Tyrion consulted with a sorceress to stimulate his growth hormones and allow him to reach his natural height. He also looks younger now, since the ointment caused some premature aging, and he is now portrayed by Elijah Wood.

Ned Stark is Not Dead

Everyone watching the show, or reading the books, was sure Ned Stark had ceased to be alive. Trustworthy people, or at least as trustworthy as anyone can be in Westeros, saw the beheading. People can come back from some pretty serious injuries despite the lack of modern medicine, but no one has ever been beheaded and returned as a fully living person.

But Eddard Stark was never beheaded. He saw trouble coming the moment he heard of Jon Arryn’s death, and then he went searching for an actor who played him in mummer’s farces because this actor looked almost exactly like Ned Stark. With a little coloring of the hair and a couple of extra pounds, this man could pass as Ned Stark. So Ned went into hiding, paying this actor quite well to pretend to be Ned Stark, and the actor used such strong method techniques that he ended up being executed as Ned Stark. But Ned Stark, who told no one of this plan lest they ruin it, was not actually dead, and season seven sees him return and struggle to explain himself to any potential allies he can find.

Cersei Lannister Sees a Therapist

Cersei Lannister comes to realize that if she keeps acting the way he does, the rest of Westeros is finally going to agree on something, with that something being the necessity of banding together to destroy Cersei Lannister. So she spent the time between seasons consulting with a maester who specializes in mental health counseling in order to try to figure out how to control her urges to be irredeemably power-hungry. She hasn’t stopped being a terrible person in tonight’s episode, but she makes a little progress.

Jon Snow Goes on a Game Show, Loses

Jon Snow is picked as a contestant on the new game show “Westero Celebrities: Do They Know Things? What Do They Know?” and it doesn’t go well for him. Not only does he fail to recall basic Westerosi history involving the exploits of Bran the Builder, but he cannot recall the previous Lord Commander of the Watch. Jon Snow truly knows nothing.

Or perhaps he let his opponents win for a reason. You’ll have to watch later episodes, or read later spoilers, to find out.

Drogon Kills Daenerys Targaryen with One Hot Breath

In an episode full of shockers, this is the shockingest shocker. The Mother of Dragons is dead now, killed by her own “child.” Everyone seemed to expect her to keep playing the Game of Thrones until the very end, as she was seen as the fire in the Song of Ice and Fire, but nope. She’s dead now. No more Khaleesi.

But this was just a hastening of the inevitable. Winter is coming, and while Dany was equipped to deal with a lot of things, she was never ready for winter.

 

Update: Rumor has it that some, if not all, of these events failed to come to pass, but if that is the case the reason is because the producers were so devastated by the outing of their secrets 15 minutes before air time that they aired an alternate version of episode one where other things happened.

 

Billy Joel Expert Reveals Secrets Behind Piano Man

The secrets behind Billy Joel’s breakout hit “Piano Man” have been revealed to Totes Real News by someone named Billy Joel Expert, because if you have some money to spare you can change your name to just about anything. Through the conversation with Mr. Expert, who must know a lot because his name says he does, several surprising facts about the lyrics to “Piano Man” came to light.

One fascinating tidbit involves the old man who sat next to a young Billy Joel. This old man knew the words to the song he wanted played as recently as two years earlier, which was the time he was wearing a younger man’s clothes. In the late 1960’s, the old man had a 24-year-old neighbor, and this young man was making his way up in the advertising world and therefore spent a lot of time away from home, so the younger man paid the older man to look after his dog. This continued without any criminal activity for months, until an unpleasant odor revealed a need to clean up the dog’s mess in a closet, and this closet contained some very nice clothing which fit the old man perfectly.

So the old man took one outfit, figuring the young man wouldn’t miss it, and then another and another, until eventually the thievery was discovered and the old man had a brief but traumatic stay in prison, after which he developed a major drinking problem which led him to forget the words to all of his favorite songs, which is why he needed Billy Joel to sing the song to him.

Additionally, the place where John the bartender would rather be isn’t necessarily in Hollywood, but anywhere besides the bar. John didn’t even particularly want to pursue a career as an actor, but rather was equating the likelihood of movie stardom with the likelihood of leaving, since John had been hit with a restraining order by someone living exactly five hundred feet away from the bar, so the moment he stepped outside the bar he would have been in violation of the order. And there were no windows on the other side of the building, and the landlord would have sued him for trying to make any, and then he wouldn’t have even been able to go to court and defend himself due to the restraining order.

Another mystery which was resolved by Billy Joel Expert is the nature of Paul’s profession as a real estate novelist. He was, unsurprisingly, a novelist who wrote about real estate, since a realtor who wrote novels would be a “realtor and novelist,” which works just as well in the song since it has the same number of syllables. What is less clear about Paul’s situation is the figurative language used by Mr. Joel in this verse when he was inspired by a famous expression to equate time with money. Paul did not have the money to get married because hardly anyone wanted to read novels about people buying houses. Paul might have fared better if he wrote during the era of real estate television, but back then he was stuck lamenting his troubles to Davey.

Mr. Expert also discussed the waitress who, like Paul, was ahead of her time. She practiced politics by pretending to take away people’s healthcare. She would go up to customers and ask them what doctor they saw and then tell them their insurance didn’t cover that doctor any more and they had to pay a lot of money if they ever wanted medical treatment again. She did this because she was drunk, which was unprofessional, but John could not go out and hire a better waitress when he couldn’t leave.

Another common misconception about the song is that when the businessman was getting stoned, he was getting stoned off the effects of alcohol, but that was not the case. Davey and Paul would throw pebbles at him because Paul blamed price gouging for the public not having leftover money to buy his books, and Davey resented the businessman for repeatedly refusing to hire him for enough money that he could quit the Navy. This continued for years, sometimes just by Paul and sometimes by Paul and Davey and sometimes others joined in, and John wouldn’t do anything about it because he couldn’t kick out his best customers. And the businessman wouldn’t leave because he liked the waitress too much, but eventually his doctor made him stay home to recover from his gradually acquired injuries, which happened after Piano Man was recorded.

Loneliness, as it turns out, was the name of an actual drink served at John’s bar. It was ironically named, because this combination of several bottom-shelf liquors and liqueurs, along with multiple juices and sodas in a sixty-ounce glass, could almost never be finished by one person. It was only because of the shared alcoholism of the businessman and waitress that they could finish it together, even though it did go down very easily. This was not the case for “drinking alone”, a smaller cocktail containing gin and milk and horseradish which was not intended to be consumed by anyone, alone or otherwise.

These lyrical explanations have not been confirmed by Billy Joel, only by Billy Joel Expert, but the opinions of an Expert should be valued over all others so the only opinion which matters is the opinion that these Piano Man facts are totally true.