Americans Not Overwhelmed by Recent News

Over the past few days, the reports in the mainstream news media have been a bit on the intense side, and citizens of other countries might have been unable to deal with all the madness, but not Americans.

Americans are fine.

No panic here whatsoever.

If confronted with the headlines on the homepage of CNN, people from other countries might take to the streets and start screaming at the top of their lungs that the apocalypse is obviously coming and they don’t want that to happen and then there would be a report of a massive drop in productivity due to running in the streets and screaming and that report would be buried at the bottom of the page under the rest of the madness and no one would even read it because they would be too busy screaming, but not Americans.

Americans are fine.

First Trump wanted to arm teachers, then he wanted to take away a bunch of guns but probably not from the teachers, and now he might have softened his stance on guns but wants to fight pretty much everyone on the trade front by enacting tariffs like it’s 1850, and this is okay with Americans. It’s just Trump being Trump. People were tired of politics as usual, and this is the opposite of that, so it’s fine.

Putin has a bomb now, too, apparently, and a more dangerous one than most bombs. This is according to actual reliable sources which can even be quoted and cited. But that’s fine. Americans are fine with that. It’s only a bomb, and these days it seems like everyone has a bomb. Israel has bombs. The United States has bombs. North Korea has bombs, and Americans are maybe a little less fine with that but still not panicking. Even the weather has bombs and it just set one off, which is also fine.

This bomb is the bomb cyclone, which is not pleasant, but Americans remain even-keeled. After a couple of months of unseasonable warmth, this is a small price to pay and everyone knows it so there are no complaints on this front.

None whatsoever.

Americans are fine.

There was also another school shooting this morning, and the Onion will probably trot out the same article it always does if it hasn’t already and no one will read it because they just saw the same article a couple of weeks ago, and except for the people who were directly affected by it Americans will hardly even think about it after the initial outrage, if they even have energy left for outrage after Parkland and the ensuing non-response by Congress.

Maybe Americans aren’t exactly fine, but they will manage. They will seem fine.

Americans will continue to seem fine until another reality-TV celebrity who is not also a politician makes a questionable decision, most likely fashion-related.

Americans can’t handle that. They literally can’t even. But otherwise, Americans are fine.

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