Golden Girls To Get Larger-Than-Life Reboot

Inspired by the success of Will & Grace and early positive results for the new Roseanne, NBC has ordered a re-tooled reboot of The Golden Girls called The Giant Girls.

The other reboots feature the same cast members, but this one will not. It cannot. Only one of the original principal actresses is potentially available to reprise her role, and she’s unlikely to be able to handle sitcom filming in addition to her prior commitments, so it will be a different cast. A bigger cast. Four actresses from very well-known families who are very, very big.

Not big in the entertainment world, just big.

Not fat, just big.

The biggest, and possibly most legendary of the Giant Girls actresses is Nessie Lake, who will be playing the role of Nessie MacDonald, a middle-aged lizard person trying to start a new life for herself after spending some time in jail due to accidentally eating her husband in a moment of drunken confusion. After getting out of prison, she has to search Craigslist for roommates, and understandably no humans are willing to live with her. The only ones who will take a chance on Nessie are the other Giant Girls.

One of the roommates is Samantha “Snows” Nylund, played by the brilliant Yeti White. Snows is one of the Abominable Snowpeople, but she has always been too bubbly and optimistic to get along with her family. So she came to America, married Mr. Nylund, had several children, and then her husband died suddenly for reasons unrelated to Samantha’s size, and since her children were all grown up she looked for a new place to live, struggling to earn the trust of potential roommates until she landed with Nessie.

Another roommate is Barbara “Branch” Devereaux, played by Sarah “Sass” Squatch. She is a woman with big feet and a bigger mouth whose sassiness squashed her marriage, prompting her to move from the forests of Oregon to the Big Apple and live with the other big girls.

Also living in the house is Ness MacDonald, played by Nessie’s actual mother Ness Lake. She moves in to try to make sure her daughter stays out of trouble, but ends up getting in a lot of trouble herself. This is partially because middle age for sea monsters spans hundreds of years, so despite being fifty years apart in age, Nessie and her mother look very similar, and some of the men who Nessie brings home end up more interested than the mother than the daughter. According to the sources being used to discuss this show, some of the promotional posters will feature the caption: “NESSIE’S MOM HAS GOT IT GOING ON.”

The plot of The Giant Girls will follow these four big women as they try to adjust to single life in an even bigger city, and also the struggles involved with monster-human relations, romantic or otherwise. This includes the challenge of not eating each other’s human acquaintances, which is emphasized in the theme song: “Thanks For Not Eating My Friends.”

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Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff: Making American Novels Great Again

Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff, a novelization of reality which has been published anonymously due to fear of Russian retaliation, is about to hit the shelves, and virtual shelves, of all retailers brave enough to have it. Therefore, it has rarely been seen so far, but Huzzah News has been able to obtain a copy for the sake of reviewing this work of semi-literature.

Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff imagines a world where the President of the United States is a shady businessman and reality TV star who says a lot of ridiculous things. This is not hard to imagine, as it is the truth, but in the world of the novel this president’s nonsensical statements have minimal impact on the political reality of the country, as demonstrated by this short passage from page 452:

The community college conundrum confounded the cantankerous charlatan, who contemplated calling community colleges “calamity centers” on CNN, and since the callous chump cannot question his choices, he confidently called community colleges “calamity centers” while chatting on CNN. Consequently, the correspondents chuckled at the curmudgeon’s quip, since a sound argument is far superior to a snappy sound byte.

Also, Congress rejected all attempts to de-fund community colleges out of hand, since community colleges are necessary and useful for those who need just a little bit more than a high school education, and also for those who need to prove themselves academically before attending a four-year college.  The ridiculous, reddish-orange rambler ranted and raved at his rejection, but this changed nothing because Donald Trump do not change stuff. He just say stuff.”

This is the only passage which will be included in the review, but the entire book is written in a similar style, with ample alliteration. If you are one of the few who is capable of getting tired of alliteration, then this book might bring you to your breaking point, but since most people love alliteration, the populace will probably be pleased with the prose.

The story, all 540 pages of it, takes the reader from the part where Donald Trump is recruited by Vladimir Putin to say stuff which will upset the American people and shake faith in the American political system, all the way to the point where Donald Trump is no longer able to say stuff as president due to fictional circumstances at the end of the story.

Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff is a challenging read, as it appears to have undergone no editing whatsoever except for a quick spellcheck, but it is the opinion of this reviewer that reading the book is a less challenging and more pleasurable experience, by far, than experiencing the actual Trump Presidency.

 

Avocado Club: David Wolfe is Toast!

Appetite Avacado Avo Avocado Calories Cate
Not a picture of David Wolfe

 

 

The Avocado Club, which calls itself North America’s foremost association of avocado aficionados, has thoroughly denounced internet celebrity David Wolfe, calling him toast.

Avocado Club leadership has been opposed to toast for a significant amount of time, ever since avocado toast gained a reputation as a favorite food of urban millennials, the people who allegedly chose to spend their money on things like avocado toast rather than saving up their cash to eventually invest in purchasing a home. According to the Avocado Club, from that point on toast was something which makes avocados look bad. And since David Wolfe, who has been putting “Avocado” in his name for years, makes avocados look bad, David Wolfe has been declared toast and is now being asked to remove the fruit from his name.

Ronnie Avocado (not his birth name), president of the Avocado Club, had this to say on the matter:

David Wolfe? More like AvocadNO! Yeah, yeah, it’s a bad joke, but not as bad of a joke as all this nonsense this fake avocado keeps trying to shove down our throats when our throats should be getting more delicious avocados. Like, how is anybody supposed to appreciate the savory flavor of the greatest sandwich fruit ever made when they are dead? Because if they get bad flu because David Notvocado told them some lies about mercury so they skip the vaccine, that’s how you get dead people.

And when you get the stomach flu because you drank some raw water full of all-natural e-coli, how much appetite for avocados are you going to have? Most likely none, and that’s how much respect we have for David “Toast” Wolfe.

People worship his every word like he’s some sort of holy man, like he’s some sort of guacamole man, but really he’s more of a toilet bowly man. If you can see me and believe in the realness of my being, then believe this: If David Wolfe keeps calling himself what he is not, then the Avocado Club will be forced to take this turkey to court. Where we may o’ may not take all his money. Okay, yeah, that’s enough. I’ll stop now.

At press time, the Avocado Club was debating whether to try to get the avocado, lettuce and tomato sandwich renamed to avoid association with the alt-right.

Also, incidentally, there is no record of anyone ever seeing Ronnie Avocado, but according to words on the internet he is apparently a real person.

Medicaid to be Replaced with “Doc Box”

DOCBOX
Who needs a doctor when you can have this box?

 

In another cost-cutting procedure needed to pay for military parades or a wall or something super-important like that, the Trump Administration recently announced that low-income individuals and their families will no longer receive Medicaid benefits, instead receiving monthly “Doc Boxes” to help them with their medical needs.

These boxes will contain the following items in addition to ample packaging material:

—A thermometer. This is a simple way to tell whether you or your child needs to take a cold bath, assuming you live in a home with running water, or take an over-the counter fever reducer. The thermometer has been previously used and batteries are not fully charged, but you will get a new one next month anyway.

—40 tablets of generic Tylenol. This can help with ignoring headaches associated with the stress of being too poor to see a doctor, and might help with a fever as well. Make sure to conserve these tablets, however, because there won’t be any more coming until next month.

—80 tablets of generic Claritin. Whether your family needs it or not.

—Applesauce, rice, and toastable bread in case of a stomach flu. Also can provide some extra food in case the Harvest Box proves insufficient. You’ll have to get your own bananas, though, because those aren’t staying ripe for a month.

—1 cast and 1 sling. For dealing with sprains and breaks. If you need more than this, or can’t put the cast on without the help of a medical professional, or the bone is so severely broken that it needs more treatment than just a cast, maybe you should have thought of that before letting your kid climb a tree or jump on the bed while you were busy trying to figure out how to transform the contents of the Harvest Box into a meal for the night. Or frantically searching for a better job so you wouldn’t need to rely on these boxes. Whatever. Your complaints and excuses will be ignored. This is what you get from your not-at-all-socialist government, and that’s final.

—Generic Band-Aids and off-brand Neosporin to stop bacterial infections before they start. Because if they do start, there’s not much you’re going to be able to do about it.

 

Representatives from the Department of Health and Human Services have not responded to requests for comment about whether they are openly trying to kill poor people by doing this.

TotesReal Journalist Joins Huzzah News

Huzzah! The potentially greatest site ever, Huzzah News, has returned to the interwebs to due a supremely positive development, that development being the writer behind TotesRealNews arriving in the same prison which provides temporary inconvenience for Professor Huzzah.

This writer, who insists on maintaining anonymity, is not the author of this post unless I am not truly Professor Huzzah, but he shall be the writer of most subsequent posts. Perhaps all. His writing shall be great, and if it is not then he shall be fired which will result in immense boredom for this person who shall be here for a very long time.

The reason for his imprisonment is it turns out seeking out and contacting supernatural monsters for the sake of writing news articles is against the law, especially when contacting this monster resulted in multiple public figures, especially the president of the USA, being antagonized by this monster. He also impersonated this monster, the Babadook, when the Babadook proved to be out of reach, which is also illegal.

In summation, a writer who is even better at writing than the great Professor Huzzah is now here and writing for Huzzah News, and all should act festively and celebratory because of this development.

A huge hazzuh to those who don’t!

 

Millions of Aunts and Grandmothers Going to Jail For Unwanted Kisses

Because it is now considered acceptable to accuse someone of sexual assault for nothing more than a kiss on the cheek without gaining explicit permission to do so, for the sake of legal consistency the United States will now send almost all of its aunts and grandmothers to jail for kissing their younger relatives on the cheek without these children giving true verbal consent beforehand.

Sometimes children say “okay, fine” when told by parents to let their aunts and grandmothers kiss them, but that is not true consent because of the power structures involved in which the child can get in trouble with his or her parents for refusing the affection of the older relative.

Of course, you could say that this argument is a poor argument because these grandmotherly kisses are not sexual in nature, BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG. Not about the kisses being sexual in nature, because they are not, but the argument is not a poor one because accusers these days appear unconcerned with whether the intent involved anything more than a slightly overenthusiastic display of affection, but whether the subjects of the affection were made to feel uncomfortable.

Unless one is an unabashed perpetrator of villainy then one should not strive to make others uncomfortable, so making others uncomfortable can be construed as problematic. However, it is highly inconsistent from a logical perspective to get all bent out of shape about crossing a line when two adults are involved and not being upset about this same line regarding cheek-kisses being crossed when the cheek being kissed belongs to a child. And these children are made uncomfortable by these kisses because if they were not then they would not try to avoid them.

Therefore, simple logic dictates that these millions of aunts and grandmothers have broken the law and should therefore be sent to jail.

Not just that they should be, but if this country makes any sense at all then they will be. And if the jails fill up and a certain incarcerated Professor needs to be freed because of this, then this is a small price to pay for making sure that renegade aunts and grandmothers are brought to justice.

Jeff Sessions High On Marijuana-Fighting Possibilities

Jeff Sessions, the Attorney General of the United States who has not even acknowledged requests to free the great Professor Huzzah from his not-so-great temporary residence, does not like marijuana.

He might feel this way because he is too broken inside to enjoy its effects. He also might think putting marijuana users in jail means it will be less likely that he’ll see someone on the street who he considers scary-looking. Maybe he’s being paid big bucks by Big Sobriety, which may or may not be a thing, but if it is a thing then it is definitely sending money to Jeff Sessions. Whatever the reason is, Attorney General Sessions appears to be quite excited about the likely omission of something called the Rorhabacher-Blumenauer Amendment from the upcoming budget legislation, and the reason why he’s excited is that keeping this long-named amendment out of the bill means he can make it much more difficult to sell and use marijuana legally.

This is rather stupid on Mr. Sessions’s part.

If he had any sense, WHICH HE OBVIOUSLY DOES NOT, he would not only support the legalization of marijuana but make its use mandatory in certain cases. Especially in the case of FBI agents.

Because although he might think he’s safe from investigation, the Mueller team is coming after him for his suspicious connections to Russia. Saying he doesn’t recall is rather unlikely to help. I know this from personal experience. When I was arrested a few years ago for trying to make a better life for myself, I told the judge and jury I didn’t remember unleashing illness and oranges upon the people before kidnapping a bunch of them. It hurt my pride immensely to feign stupidity, but it was the best chance I had, although with all the evidence against me it was not a good chance. If any incriminating evidence against Jeff Sessions exists, it will not be a good chance for him either.

The only chance he has is if he makes sure the people investigating the Trump Administration are high all the time. Then, even if they get close to figuring out solid proof of collusion, they will surely become distracted contemplating the meaning of life or the meaning of the mysterious discoloration in the carpet, which means they won’t get around to a conclusion meaning a lifetime of imprisonment for Jefferson Beauregard Sessions.

Since he is not thinking of that, and is thinking instead of trying to hurt people who are unlikely to hurt him, there will be very few huzzahs in Jeff Sessions’s future.

Except for when he says “I apologize, Professor Huzzah. I should have acknowledged your existence and listened to your advice.”