Golden Girls To Get Larger-Than-Life Reboot

Inspired by the success of Will & Grace and early positive results for the new Roseanne, NBC has ordered a re-tooled reboot of The Golden Girls called The Giant Girls.

The other reboots feature the same cast members, but this one will not. It cannot. Only one of the original principal actresses is potentially available to reprise her role, and she’s unlikely to be able to handle sitcom filming in addition to her prior commitments, so it will be a different cast. A bigger cast. Four actresses from very well-known families who are very, very big.

Not big in the entertainment world, just big.

Not fat, just big.

The biggest, and possibly most legendary of the Giant Girls actresses is Nessie Lake, who will be playing the role of Nessie MacDonald, a middle-aged lizard person trying to start a new life for herself after spending some time in jail due to accidentally eating her husband in a moment of drunken confusion. After getting out of prison, she has to search Craigslist for roommates, and understandably no humans are willing to live with her. The only ones who will take a chance on Nessie are the other Giant Girls.

One of the roommates is Samantha “Snows” Nylund, played by the brilliant Yeti White. Snows is one of the Abominable Snowpeople, but she has always been too bubbly and optimistic to get along with her family. So she came to America, married Mr. Nylund, had several children, and then her husband died suddenly for reasons unrelated to Samantha’s size, and since her children were all grown up she looked for a new place to live, struggling to earn the trust of potential roommates until she landed with Nessie.

Another roommate is Barbara “Branch” Devereaux, played by Sarah “Sass” Squatch. She is a woman with big feet and a bigger mouth whose sassiness squashed her marriage, prompting her to move from the forests of Oregon to the Big Apple and live with the other big girls.

Also living in the house is Ness MacDonald, played by Nessie’s actual mother Ness Lake. She moves in to try to make sure her daughter stays out of trouble, but ends up getting in a lot of trouble herself. This is partially because middle age for sea monsters spans hundreds of years, so despite being fifty years apart in age, Nessie and her mother look very similar, and some of the men who Nessie brings home end up more interested than the mother than the daughter. According to the sources being used to discuss this show, some of the promotional posters will feature the caption: “NESSIE’S MOM HAS GOT IT GOING ON.”

The plot of The Giant Girls will follow these four big women as they try to adjust to single life in an even bigger city, and also the struggles involved with monster-human relations, romantic or otherwise. This includes the challenge of not eating each other’s human acquaintances, which is emphasized in the theme song: “Thanks For Not Eating My Friends.”

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Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff: Making American Novels Great Again

Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff, a novelization of reality which has been published anonymously due to fear of Russian retaliation, is about to hit the shelves, and virtual shelves, of all retailers brave enough to have it. Therefore, it has rarely been seen so far, but Huzzah News has been able to obtain a copy for the sake of reviewing this work of semi-literature.

Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff imagines a world where the President of the United States is a shady businessman and reality TV star who says a lot of ridiculous things. This is not hard to imagine, as it is the truth, but in the world of the novel this president’s nonsensical statements have minimal impact on the political reality of the country, as demonstrated by this short passage from page 452:

The community college conundrum confounded the cantankerous charlatan, who contemplated calling community colleges “calamity centers” on CNN, and since the callous chump cannot question his choices, he confidently called community colleges “calamity centers” while chatting on CNN. Consequently, the correspondents chuckled at the curmudgeon’s quip, since a sound argument is far superior to a snappy sound byte.

Also, Congress rejected all attempts to de-fund community colleges out of hand, since community colleges are necessary and useful for those who need just a little bit more than a high school education, and also for those who need to prove themselves academically before attending a four-year college.  The ridiculous, reddish-orange rambler ranted and raved at his rejection, but this changed nothing because Donald Trump do not change stuff. He just say stuff.”

This is the only passage which will be included in the review, but the entire book is written in a similar style, with ample alliteration. If you are one of the few who is capable of getting tired of alliteration, then this book might bring you to your breaking point, but since most people love alliteration, the populace will probably be pleased with the prose.

The story, all 540 pages of it, takes the reader from the part where Donald Trump is recruited by Vladimir Putin to say stuff which will upset the American people and shake faith in the American political system, all the way to the point where Donald Trump is no longer able to say stuff as president due to fictional circumstances at the end of the story.

Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff is a challenging read, as it appears to have undergone no editing whatsoever except for a quick spellcheck, but it is the opinion of this reviewer that reading the book is a less challenging and more pleasurable experience, by far, than experiencing the actual Trump Presidency.

 

Mitch McConnell Dumped by Turtle Society

Turtle, Tortoise, Animal, Cartoon, Zoo
No matter what he looks like, Mitch McConnell is not a turtle anymore

The Turtle Appreciation Association sent shock waves through the world of turtle fandom this morning by stripping Senator Mitch McConnell of his “honorary turtle” status after a mere four hours of deliberation.

The Turtle Appreciation Association is one of the largest turtle fan clubs in the world, and is notable for its appreciation not only of real-life turtles, but fictional turtles and humans with turtle-like attributes. According to the association’s website, its official favorite Dr. Seuss book is Yertle the Turtle. The TAA does not care for Charlie Bucket or Matilda, instead stocking its bookshelves with several copies of Esio Trot. The office is decorated not only with dozens of figurines and posters from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise, but also with prints of works by the artists the Turtles were named after. The official favorite singer of the TAA is Howard Kaylan, the favorite Civil War general is George McClellan, and the favorite politician was Mitch McConnell.

Not anymore.

Mr. McConnell has been officially declared a non-turtle, and all pictures of the senator which had been in the possession of the TAA have been incinerated, burned to virtual nothingness like the financial security of millions of Americans negatively impacted by the recent tax bill. The “Rules of Turtle Club” now contain instructions not to talk about Mitch McConnell, as he is too much of a disgrace to turtledom for his name to even be mentioned.

Kenneth “Hardshell” Bennett, official spokesperson for the TAA, released a short statement explaining why Senator McConnell has been de-turtled.

For a long time, Senator Mitch McConnell had been a source of pride for turtle-lovers everywhere. Granted, we often disagreed with his politics, but any disagreements were overshadowed by the fact that he, as a human turtle, had been able to ascend to a position of great power and influence. He showed that turtles could not only outlast rabbits, but they could successfully battle with lions. However, his recent actions regarding the tax reform bill, in which he rushed the legislation through the Senate so quickly that most legislators hardly had any chance to read it and figure out what they were voting on, was unforgivably dissimilar to how a turtle should behave. Coupled with the fact that this legislation could make it more difficult for most prospective turtle owners to purchase and care for domesticated turtles and will most likely slash funding for preserving the environments of wild turtles, extreme action must be taken. Therefore, by the power invested in me by the Great God Om who is a turtle and also a god in Discworld—this is a real thing you can Google it—I hereby strip Senator Mitch McConnell of his turtlehood, now and forever. This matter is final, and shall not be spoken of again.

Mitch McConnell did not respond to requests for comment on the matter, and likely would not have responded even if such requests were made. He was not contacted because there is no need to listen to excuses for the inexcusable.

Trump Blames Popular Music for Situation in Puerto Rico

Donald Trump, who is still the President of the United States of America, gave a speech this morning explaining why popular musicians, and not Donald Trump, are to blame for the crisis in Puerto Rico in the wake of Hurricane Maria. He gave this speech not to the general public, but to a small group of real news reporters, none of whom were allowed to bring writing utensils or audio recording devices. This was a problem for the other reporters in attendance, but not for the TotesRealJournalist in attendance who used perfect recall to reproduce the speech below.

 

The liberal fake news media is trying to tell everyone that the terrible situation in Puerto Rico is my fault, but they are wrong. Nothing is my fault, so I’m not responsible for this. What the media isn’t telling you is how popular music made this happen, and since they won’t tell you, I will.

One of these songs which hurt Puerto Rico is one called Believer by a group called Imagine Dragons. First of all, what kind of name is Imagine Dragons? I mean, I always go to bed with a clear conscience to get my three hours of sleep, and now they want me to think about dragons flying around with fiery breath and burning all my money? I wouldn’t sleep at all and then I’d be really cranky and no one would like that, believe me. But anyway, this song Believer, and I’ve been saying I’m a believer in religious stuff for about two years now, talks about how pain and suffering made the guy singing the song a stronger person. So is it really that unreasonable for me to believe, after listening to that song, that letting the people of Puerto Rico suffer would be good for them?

Of course it isn’t, because I am always reasonable. Moving on.

Another one is the new song by Taylor Swift. Who is great. If I wasn’t so busy doing president stuff I’d probably be dating her, and then she’d make the most beautiful song after I broke up with her. But anyway, her song is all about being made to do something, and it’s not good that she did this thing. Meanwhile, Democrats and other people kept trying to get me to lift shipping restrictions to get things to Puerto Rico since the Puerto Ricans are apparently too lazy to get those things themselves, and these people almost made me take action sooner but I listened to this song for inspiration to not let them make me do anything. Couldn’t hold out forever, but thanks to this song I held out a really long time and am still not doing enough.

There’s also this song called Bodak Yellow, it’s one of those rap music songs, and it is really popular right now so of course I know what it is. Bodak, of course, is a country in Africa which is having a really tough time because of yellow fever, and I haven’t been able to help them because the fake news media keeps fighting with me and telling me Bodak is not a country, which would be even sadder if the song didn’t tell me not to help anyone. The rap lyrics in this rap song are about having a lot of money and a lot of nice things and not wanting to do anything nice for anyone else, which as everyone knows is not the way I usually act even though I am very rich, but this is the most popular song in the country right now so obviously this is how people want me to act, so I have been using it as inspiration to not help Bodak or Puerto Rico.

But there is no song which did more to help me make my decision to not do very much than the one called Despacito. Despacito is a Spanish word which means slowly. Slowly is an adverb, and when you are doing something slowly you are being slow with your action. Slow is a four letter word which means the opposite of fast. And in this song they keep saying to do things slowly, and this is a song which comes from Puerto Rico which is an island in the middle of the Caribbean Ocean, so that means in Puerto Rico they want things done slowly. And then I give them hurricane relief slowly and they complain. Do they even know what they want? Who knows. But I don’t have any advisors worth listening to so I do what the songs tell me to do.

Sometimes the advice from the songs turn out to be maybe not the best advice, so Puerto Rico is a disaster right now and the songs made it worse.

Sorry.

But really not sorry.

Wow.

That might have been more ridiculous than Trump’s comments about Puerto Rico which were published on Twitter and the mainstream media. Not definitively so, but maybe.

Looks like it will be up to the American people to help their fellow Americans in Puerto Rico, even through the proposed tax plan is likely to make it increasingly difficult for all but the super-wealthy to be able to afford to make a donation.

Trump Demands Tropical Storm Don be Renamed Hurricane Donald

A new storm called Don recently arrived in the Caribbean Sea, and Donald Trump immediately called a press conference to discuss this new development instead of talking about the health care bill or his approval ratings. The president spoke for several minutes, explaining why he felt this storm should be classified as a hurricane as well as why it should lengthen its name.

The entire speech is reproduced here:

 

You might have heard about the big news from today, the new storm forming in the Caribbean Sea. Great sea, the Caribbean. Beautiful beaches, beautiful people. Many people were telling me it’s such a great place that I should have built many hotels there, but I had to tell them no because my hotels are always huge and it’s not a good idea to build towers when they have yuuuge windy storms there all the time.

As you know, one of those storms started there today, and people are calling it Don. Listen, people. Let’s call it what it is. It’s Donald. Don is short for Donald. I mean, it’s not Donatello. No one’s named that anymore, and that’s a turtle name. Turtles are slow. No one is going to be worried about winds going two, three miles an hour. That hardly even affects my golf game, which let me tell you is getting much better. It’s not Adonis either. It’s Donald. That’s its name. Deal with it.

Now Hurricane Donald, and it is Hurricane Donald and not this wimpy Tropical Storm Don, is really windy. Donalds in general are very windy. So full of wind. Wind coming from everywhere. It’s a breath of fresh air, and then a breath of not-so-fresh air, but we don’t have to talk about that second part, do we? We do not. We are talking about all the wind blown by Donalds, and this new hurricane is definitely a Donald, and because it is a Donald there will be so much wind. It will be gusting bigly.

It will be powerful too. So powerful. Powerful and destructive. Donalds destroy everything they touch, and this storm will be no exception. Businesses, marriages, public respect for family members…this hurricane is going to destroy all of them because it will be so strong. The strongest. Other hurricanes, which are the only family this hurricane has, will be ashamed of how weak they are next to Hurricane Donald. It’ll be amazing, really.

This will be the greatest hurricane of all time. So much more wind and rain than the others, especially Hurricane Hilary, which was a nasty storm. Such a nasty storm, but my storm is going to be bigger. And this is not just because it is Hurricane Donald. There are other reasons, but they have to stay secret because if the hurricane hears too much it will know about my plan to defeat it and that will make the battle much more difficult than it needs to be.

But I will defeat this hurricane, that I can tell you. No storm can stand against me because I am the windiest, most destructive Donald of them all.

Immediately following this speech, Sarah Huckabee Sanders declared that she needed to look for Sean Spicer and then she quickly disappeared from view.

Spicer Addresses Alleged Melania Affair

Parts of the internet have been abuzz over the past few days due to Tweets by writer Monica Byrne alleging an affair between Melania Trump and Tiffany’s security chief Hank Siemers. These rumors are considered unsubstantiated by the mainstream media, but since the mainstream media is the #fakenewsmedia their failure to confirm the allegation makes the rumor even stronger.

Due to the increasing strength of this rumor, Press Secretary Sean Spicer held a top-secret press conference this evening to address it. No one from the mainstream media was invited, and recording devices were not permitted. Not even pen and paper. Fortunately for TotesRealNews, one of our reporters has perfect recall abilities so we sent this journalist to the conference to report back on what Mr. Spicer said.

She came back with the whole speech, which is reproduced below:

First of all, I can tell you with absolute certainty that this rumor is an outright lie, and Melania has not been unfaithful to Donald. This allegation…this lie…says Donald knows about it, so if it were true then he would have told me. He tells me everything. You don’t know the things he tells me, except for the things I tell you as part of this job, but there are other things he told me and I haven’t told you and none of those involve Melania knowing Hank Semens, or whatever his name is, in a Biblical sense. The Trumps are not Bible people, and there is no affair going on. Period.

And even if this absolute falsehood has any truth to it, it wouldn’t be cheating if Donald knows about it. Like if I told you I was about to lie and then I said Donald Trump is a horrible president, and please don’t quote me out of context on that one, it wouldn’t be a lie, really, because there was no intent to deceive. And it’s the same thing…it would be the same thing with this so-called dalliance because it’s not…it wouldn’t be cheating if it was happening and she had his permission. He’s got all these important presidential tasks to deal with, so if he outsourced some of the traditional marital duties to another man then that would be smart business strategy adapted for the presidency.

And if this was happening, which like I told you a million times it’s not, it shouldn’t upset anyone because it would just mean they have an open marriage. Open marriage means openness. Hostile media has been complaining for months about how Donald Trump doesn’t want the borders to be as open as left-wing liberals do, and how he’s not as open in dealing with the press as some of his predecessors, and now that there’s a rumor he’s being open in his marriage then suddenly you don’t want him to be open anymore? There’s no winning with you people. I don’t want to hide in the bushes again, but if this unfair treatment persists then I may have no choice.

Summary of speech: it isn’t true, but if it was, it wouldn’t be nearly as bad as you all think it is. Now you don’t have to go anywhere, but I do. Goodbye.

And with that, he left, leaving nothing but a quickly fading Spicey aroma and the memory of a few hundred words, almost all of which are real words, which are now on the internet. Words addressing an important scandal which, if found to be true, might be one of the top fifty most outrageous things involving Donald Trump.

Trump to Spend Next Week Focusing on Oreo Flavor Contest

The Internet – The Oreo Cookie brand recently announced a contest offering five hundred thousand dollars to whoever comes up with the next Oreo flavor, and there may be no one who is more excited about this than Donald Trump. He is so enthused about this competition that he has made it his top priority, promising not to even talk to the media for the next week, because he will be busy thinking of a new flavor.

Before going into his self-imposed media exile, Trump reminded detractors that five hundred thousand dollars is a lot of money, and it could go a long way toward fixing an infrastructure issue which otherwise might remain unaddressed. The president declined to say whether the money would actually go to fixing problems within America, as opposed to paying for legal fees or simply stashing the money away somewhere, but Trump reiterated that he is “extremely rich” and looked insulted that some reporters seemed to think he wanted the money for selfish reasons.

He also appeared offended at the suggestion he might not win, and shared some of the ideas he’d submitted already:

  • Saltwater-filled Oreos, called “Tears of the Haters, of Which There are Many.” The outsides of the cookies would be extra-strong in order to avoid sogginess, and those saying the name is too long are part of the inspiration for this flavor.
  • Sugar and fat within the filling are reduced to the point that the cookies have much lower levels of caloric energy than regular Oreos. This flavor is called “Jeb Bush.”
  • A butter and jelly flavor called “Hillary Clinton.” This is because of how jealous Ms. Clinton must be because Donald Trump is president and Hillary Clinton is not, and also because of the “but her emails” controversy which helped swing the election to Trump. And instead of being spread throughout the cookie in the traditional matter, the butter and jelly will be in crisscrossing crooked lines.

Mr. Trump also shared an idea which Jeff Sessions told him about, an all-white Oreo. Not like the light wafers which already exist, but the whole cookie would be whiter than Mike Pence. Mr. Sessions told Mr. Trump this idea in confidence, as the Attorney General was reluctant to submit the idea in case it won and the media used this as proof of Jeff Sessions’ racism, but Mr. Trump saw nothing wrong with sharing this information, so he did.

When asked why he needed time to come up with more ideas when he already had such great ideas, Mr. Trump replied that those suggestions were jokes, because no one would want Jeb Bush or Hillary Clinton in their mouth, but with time he’d come with a truly great flavor. Perhaps one which captured the essence of Donald Trump. But to do so, he needs to stop being distracted with talk of investigations and special prosecutors and potential impeachment.

He doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to hear about it. So Mr. Trump will be holed up in his room eating Oreos and trying to come up with new flavors until all this Russia talk goes away, or until he is forced to leave the bed and start doing president stuff. And since president stuff is far less appetizing than Double Stuf, Mr. Trump will be angrier than usual if he has to do that.

Due to their previous history, the Babadook was contacted about this situation and asked if he would consider scaring some sense into the president, but he responded that the current political environment was such a horror show that his presence would be redundant.