All Mass Shooters to be Renamed Wayne LaPierre

Suit Business Man Business Man Male Person
Not Wayne LaPierre. Unless bananas have unknown deadly qualities.

 

Changing one’s name usually requires spending a lot of time and cutting through a lot of red tape, but thanks to a bill which raced through Congress this morning and was signed by a president who was too distracted to read it, anyone who attempts to commit mass murder will have their name changed immediately. Not quickly, not within a day or two, but immediately. And their name will always be changed to Wayne LaPierre.

The reason for this instant name change is that most plans to kill a lot of people are inspired, at least in part, by a desire to become well-known. These people, if they can even be called that, have written in diaries and manifestos about wanting to kill as many people as possible so their names can be in the news and maybe even the history books, whether they survive or not. But now, these monsters cannot get that satisfaction, and neither can their ghosts, because from now on the news will report their crimes as being committed by Wayne LaPierre.

Just omitting their names is not enough, so all images of a mass shooter, either accused or convicted, will be pixelated fully to eliminate all possibility of recognition. There is no good reason for people to want to see pictures and videos of these killers or attempted killers, so the images will be treated as obscene and censored accordingly. Same for any audio footage involving a newly-named Wayne LaPierre.

Those who have been named Wayne LaPierre will sometimes have a chance to get their old names back. If someone was wrongly accused, which theoretically could happen, this person can get their old name back and will not have to mention ever having been Wayne LaPierre. If someone bought guns and wrote a manifesto but never murdered anyone, this person will be referred to as Wayne LaPierre during any news coverage about the plot, but if they can prove themselves to be reformed and ready to be a decent human being, then they won’t have to be Wayne LaPierre anymore.

The “real” Wayne LaPierre, however, will be Wayne LaPierre for the rest of his life, since at this point there is no way he can prove he has become a decent human being.

This new law is not being reported by any of the mainstream media because they are afraid of the NRA, but as Huzzah News does not expect to be noticed by the NRA, we have no such fear and can report freely on this news, which is about as true as everything else on this site.

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Firearms Industry to Donate 300K Guns, 6 Billion Dollars to USA Public Schools

 

Child School Girl Children Education Eleme
Why is she not excited about this news?

 

For those of you who were worrying about the potentially crippling costs involved with improving school security to defend against shootings, worry no more. The knight in sleek black armor known as the firearms industry has stepped up and donated billions of dollars and hundreds of thousands of guns to keep schools safe without cutting into the educational budget.

Training security guards to handle firearms, especially when many of these guards had previously been required to do nothing more dangerous than breaking up fist fights between twelve-year-olds, is an expensive undertaking. It’s hard to tell how much the expenses would be, between training and insurance and the guards demanding more money for their fancy new skill, but these expenses are significant. Not so significant, however, that throwing 6 billion dollars at the issue won’t take care of it for at least almost a year. And since the firearms industry, unlike the education industry, has billions of dollars in profits, the NRA and the companies it represents have willingly parted with 6 billion dollars. For the sake of the children.

Additionally, in order to remove skepticism in anyone who may doubt the ethical motives of the gun industry, several major gun companies have agreed to donate three hundred thousand firearms to the public school system so the schools don’t have to pay for the guns themselves. Smith & Wesson, Remington, Ruger, Glock, Sig Sauer, and a few other brands which are known for manufacturing death machines all signed on to give their products away without even taking the time to make sure they will get a solid tax break for this. Because such an action had to be done, out of the goodness of their hearts, to protect the children.

NRA leader Wayne LaPierre, who is not a terrible person if you just get to the Merriam-Webster headquarters and make them change the definition of “terrible,” briefly spoke with Huzzah News to clarify his reasoning for coordinating with firearms companies to make these donations. According to LaPierre, “People are always saying the NRA and all the gun people are greedy, but they couldn’t be more wrong. We have always been in the business of helping people stay safe, not making money at every opportunity, no matter what the facts seem to tell you. And like I’ve always said, the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good chunk of money going to improve the American school system. And I happen to believe the best way to improve American schools is by having more guns in them.”

Huzzah News was unfortunately unable to ask any follow-up questions because visitors are only allowed to stay very briefly in Huzzah News Headquarters, but the message is clear: According to the words in this article, the NRA is now extremely generous and there is no need to worry about budget cuts elsewhere to pay for increased security.

If the words in this article are less than 100% accurate, then maybe there is some reason to panic.